Wednesday, January 16, 2013

15 days

Wise Little Buddha has a theory on recovering from a break-up and she calls it “15 days”. 15 days from last contact and you will feel better.  Have perspective, be ready to let go or nearly there.  Why 15 days?  Who knows! But it was worth a test.

Today is Day 13 and already I have an entirely different perspective on things. I’ve quieted the inner gremlin saying that I wasn’t good enough and replaced it with entirely new thoughts that I’m enough.  After spending weeks feeling unworthy, I decided to take the gloves off and fight dirty to get to a place of worthiness. This involved reading books and having many discussions with family, friends, trusted advisors, spiritual leaders and practitioners. Getting many views on how it is that someone comes to own a sense of worthiness.

Each time I wanted to reach out to the Runner out of a sense of nostalgia, I opted not to, for one of two reasons:
1) I already know what happens if I reach out (prolonged hurt/disappointment). I do not know what happens if you chose the other path.
2) He wasn’t reaching out to me. Why would I spend any more of my sparse energy on him when I could put it toward the very valuable task of worthiness, which comes with infinitely higher returns!

At your most vulnerable point (as defined as uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure) you feel the most scared, but as Brene Brown puts it best “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”.  I focused on the fear of being alone and unworthy.  But at that same vulnerable point, I found the courage to stand up for myself and challenge my gremlins and start down a path that is entirely new.

Originally I thought that The Runner came into my life to show me that “good” was possible. And I did learn that.  But the greater good is that this forced me to take a deep look right into the eyes of my gremlins. To decide, with nothing held back, that I was going to find a way to tame them and to move forward from a place of worthiness.

Am I there yet? Not quite. Am I on the right path? Heck yeah!  

Wonder Woman doesn’t stay down when hit by a blow. She comes back wiser and stronger each time.

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