Friday, November 15, 2013

Clandestine Affair Part 3

Everyone said he would hurt me. He hurt me. I am now hurt. I wondered if I have some type of self-destructive wish but the truth is the opposite, I wanted so badly for this to be real. For something good to drop out of the sky. And everyone says things do not drop out of the sky. Yet I keep wishing they do. So when something that appears good drops out of the sky, instead of being patient and waiting to see what is really there, I rush to unwrap it, sure that this is the gift that was meant for me. My reward for the hard work.

That's the flaw in the thinking though...maybe good things do drop out of the sky - but putting the expectation on them that they are the reward, that is wrong. I'm supposed to be the reward for my hard work. Whatever is in the box is ancillary. Except right now, I'm still hoping to open a box that validates that I'm enough. I haven't validated it for myself. I placed that expectation on him.

People keep saying slow down, don't get caught up in someone so fast, romance doesn't happen that way - but other people will tell you that is exactly what happened to this. But none of this has to do with that. It is placing my need for validation externally. And in doing so, I make myself vulnerable and can end up hurt (usually do).

His trust issues hurt me. But I played a part too, I put my need for validation on him. It in no way excuses how he acted, but that was not fair of me to expect someone else to validate that I’m enough and would not set a good foundation for the future.

I would still like an apology because he pushed his fears on to me and said things about me that were not true. I really would like an apology for that.  And then we can acknowledge this is not a fit. Maybe in another lifetime. But not right now.

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