Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Grace's 5th Birthday

Today is Grace's 5th birthday and I woke up extra early today, giddy with excitement that my little girl is now 5!  I posted a short, sentimental remark on facebook along with a picture of her from the beach, gazing out over the ocean. All morning I felt this resounding strength, that with very little help, I raised this happy, healthy five year old who makes me, and many others, smile every day.

Then it hit...a mini panic attack. I flashed back to her father's dead eyes in the hospital. The way he was texting, only to find out it was a girlfriend on the other end, while I'm in a hospital bed learning to care for my newborn baby girl.  And all of the pain came flooding back, setting off a shame spiral.

I hate that this is my story. I can not stand it.  But I'm trying to embrace it. It has shaped who I am, and as a result, shaped who Grace is as well - its given her an example of strength and determination to move forward. I'm a real-life case study of resilience.  I hope that one day the strength will carry me so far forward that the panic and pain can no longer reach me.

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