Eat, Pray, Love, Rwanda

Four years post-divorce and the landscape looks so different. Grace has grown from a baby into a child. We made a fresh start in a new house (just last month) in a nicer neighborhood, in a house that feels like a home.  Old friends have all stayed in place and may new friends have become as close as family. I landed my dream job of running a marketing program.  I'm now a blogger on the Huffington Post.  All of this...and I'm still alone. Except alone used to feel scary and daunting. Now it feels free and empowering. All choices are mine, the path is mine, the joy is mine.

In the last 8 months I have barely dated. But I've been eating. In part to gain weight before going to Rwanda. In part because, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I don't care as much about what I look like. I no longer feel in competition with other girls for the holy grail of a stunning single man.

I've been meditating (or trying to). Using new techniques to gain perspective in times when control is no longer mine. The moving process really puts this to the test - buying and selling a house is a high stakes game and you want to come out a winner but you don't know until the dust settles how you did.

Next week I leave for Rwanda. I'm all nerves mixed with some excitement. As the day approaches I expect more nerves and less excitement and after the plane takes off I except the tide will change. I won't have any control over what happens, it is all in the hands of God, the Universe, the Higher Power. All there is to do is to let go and live....and love.  Those kids who have never known a mother's love. Who don't have individual attention on a regular basis.

So although I am still alone, I feel that the whole universe is supporting me. On this journey, on this path. Moving forward.

"So, here it is, the plan for being happy and unstoppable..."

Worthwhile read: "What to be Happy and Unstoppable?"

After studying and teaching the science and practice of well-being, leadership, and expert performance for twenty-five years, and in my work with executives, athletes, adventurers, educators, activists, parents, and students from all over the world, one thing has become crystal clear to me: the secret to a remarkable life lies in your relationship to discomfort.

I am not just referring to physical pain or emotional experiences such as anger, fear, anxiety, stress, disappointment, or heartbreak. There is an easy exercise to uncover the kind of subtle discomfort that can be influential in your life - especially when you are unaware of it. Without thinking about it, clasp your hands together with fingers intertwined. See which thumb is on top. This is how you always do it - it is comfortable. Now unclasp your hands, shift them relative to each other, and reclasp them so that the other thumb is on top. If you pay attention, you may notice a slightly unsettled feeling - a mild sense of discomfort.

This simple exercise offers powerful insight into your brain. There is a part of your brain that is activated when it determines that there is a current problem or a potential obstacle, or when you do something different than you have in the past. This area of the brain then sends signals in two directions. One signal travels toward your gut to create sensations of discomfort, and another signal goes to a part of the brain that prompts a habitual behavior. If you engage in the behavior, then another part of the brain gives you a tiny reward, which you experience as relief from discomfort. In fact, the original meaning of the word comfort was "feeling of relief."

So this network in your brain connects the feelings of discomfort with an action that leads to comfort. Squirrels have the same system - stimulus, discomfort, action, comfort. What makes you different from a squirrel (besides longer legs, a lack of body fur, and slightly less beady eyes), is that this is not the only brain system you have for choosing behavior. We will get to that in a minute.

Discomfort is a natural and temporary experience. Discomfort is just information about how your nervous system is responding to circumstances. It may be incredibly useful information for navigating your environment and it may be misleading information based on false associations from the past. While discomfort itself is nothing more than a sensation created by your nervous system, mindless and reflexive efforts to seek relief from discomfort can cause a lot of drama. In fact, seeking relief from discomfort can completely derail us from what is most important. Procrastination, perfectionism, compulsion, eating, drinking, spending, lying, cheating, stealing, gambling, hoarding, yelling, hitting, hiding...the list goes on. While no one has ever died from discomfort, many people have died trying to get rid of it. In daily life, relentless pursuit of comfort and avoidance of discomfort require a tremendous amount of energy that could otherwise go into meaningful activities.

From a young age we are taught that the people and the circumstances around us are responsible for our feelings and that we are responsible for the feelings of others. The simple truth is that your feelings are created by your nervous system and other peoples' feelings are created by their nervous systems. To illustrate this point, let's imagine you are sitting on an airplane and a toddler is screaming. The mother is feeling frustration and embarrassment. Another parent sitting three rows back is feeling relief that it is not his child who is making the noise. A third person is feeling annoyance at the noise and another passenger is feeling empathy and compassion for the mother. Which of these feelings is the screaming child responsible for? The more you accept responsibility for how you relate to your own feelings and stop trying to control the feelings of others, the less complicated life becomes.

The good news is that human brains are equipped with more than just the squirrel system. You have architecture in your brain designed for awareness, acceptance, and purpose. You can notice and accept the feelings of discomfort, you can weigh values and priorities such as contribution, learning, growth, and connection, and you can take action based on what is most important to you.

Doing something even when you don't feel like it is a uniquely human trait. In fact, this may be the single most impressive thing about our species. I like to use the acronym WYFLION - Whether You Feel Like It or Not - to remind myself that I am capable of doing things in the presence of discomfort. Behind every significant accomplishment in this world, there is an individual or group who took action in the presence of discomfort to achieve a goal. WYFLION gets parents up to change a diaper in the middle of the night, gives explorers the ability to peer around the next bend, pushes athletes through a challenging workout, and keeps relationships intact through rough patches - it is the fuel for heroes great and small. WYFLION is the unwritten clause of the Golden Rule - Do onto others as you would have them do onto you (whether you feel like it or not). WYFLION is the key to a life of freedom.

The real secret to lasting happiness is the awareness and acceptance that the feelings of happiness do not last. No matter what you do, the comfortable feelings of happiness come and go in the same way that the uncomfortable feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, stress, anger, boredom, frustration, and restlessness come and go. No matter what you do, discomfort is going to show up again. When you eat, you don't expect that you are done with hunger forever - you accept that the discomfort of hunger will show up again. This is true for every type of discomfort. There is no way to extinguish this integral part of being human. The beauty is that you can use discomfort as an opportunity to reorient your attention to what is most important. Mindfully accepting and purposely responding to discomfort without desperately and reactively seeking relief is the foundation of a good life. This takes practice - mindful and purposeful practice.

The elements of mindful practice are opening up, noticing, and accepting whatever shows up - pleasant or unpleasant. You can set aside time at the beginning and ending of each day - 5 to 20 minutes - to sit mindfully. You can stop 3-5 times a day for 10 - 60 seconds at a time to practice being mindful. You can practice being mindful in any activity - walking, driving, eating, talking, listening, working, playing. The elements of purposeful practice are commitment, opportunity and action. There are thousands of opportunities everyday to identify what is most important and take some small meaningful action. This practice - Opening, Noticing, Accepting, Commitment, Opportunity, Action (ONACOA) - builds the core skills of exceptional well-being and performance.

So, here it is, the plan for being happy and unstoppable: Practice being mindful of accepting discomfort and taking committed action in its presence. Make an attempt, fail, get up, and make a new attempt. Practice compassion for yourself and others and gratitude for the simple opportunity to be human. When a new discomfort shows up, begin again.

There is a Little Bit of Katie Meyler in Each of Us (And Why I’m Going to Rwanda…as a Single Mom)

(As seen on the Huffington Post) 

If you don't know who Katie Meyler is yet, it’s worth the time to find out. She is an enterprising young woman who opened the More than Me Academy to get girls off the street and into schools in West Point, Liberia.

When the Ebola epidemic struck West Africa in the fall of 2014, the school was forced to shut down. Instead of waiting for the threat to pass, Katie flew into the heart of the epidemic and turned her school into an aid center to help victims and newly orphaned children of Ebola. You can follow Katie on Instagram where she posts gripping photos of both the despair and hope found within Liberia. For her efforts, she was named Time Magazine’s ”Person of the Year” in 2014, and has earned Instagram’s “person to follow,” designation as her posts resonate with all cross-sections of humanity.  

Why are people so drawn to Katie's story and her work? Because there is a little bit of Katie Meyler in each of us. She doesn't come from a wealthy family and has had no advantages to make her journey easy - she just knew what she needed to do and acted on it.

Perhaps Katie’s will to help is best described by Dr. Bhavna Shyamalan, co-founder of the M Night Shyamalan Foundation, an organization that funds the More than Me Academy. “Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative,” Shyamalan says. “You are making a choice to do nothing.” She adds that the only way forward is to pull people up, one by one.

Although we may not have the means or desire to fly to Liberia, seeing Katie's pictures reminds us that we can each choose actions to improve the world around us. Katie, and others like her, prove that one person's efforts are not inconsequential - what we do makes a difference.

Inside we all know there is something we can do for the greater good. We need to listen to the voice reminding us that we are fortunate and often take basic essentials for granted - yet others are not as lucky.  

As a single mother, I made the decision to travel to Rwanda to live and work for two weeks in the Nibakure Children’s Village - an orphanage designed to provide a sustainable home for approximately 20 children who were not born into the loving and stable environments so many of us are afforded.

When I learned of the Nibakure Village, I instantly recognized how lucky my daughter and I are to have landed where we are in life. I wondered if I didn’t go and spend time with these children - who would? These kids didn't choose to be born into a difficult situation, living in one of the world’s poorest countries, but I can choose to make their world a little bit better by volunteering my time and energy.

So I’ve committed to getting more than five inoculations to protect against deadly diseases, such as yellow fever and typhoid, taking meds that cause stomachaches, and flying across the globe for 24 hours to have an experience that will both enrich my character and provide an example for my daughter, so that she doesn’t take our life for granted and choosing to help others will become part of the fabric of who she is as she grows up.

Don't be neutral - choose to help pull someone up today.

"Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative"

I went to the M. Night Shyamalan Foundation event over the weekend to hear three of their leaders speak - three individuals who have been 'vetted by life' and overcame significant challenges that lead them to feel responsible to make circumstances better for others - from pulling boys in Ghana out of the slave trade, to getting girls in Liberia off the streets and into school to eradicating the signficant reading lag in K through 3rd graders in the US.

Dr. Bhavna Shyamalan said, "Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative" - these three individuals refused to leave anyone lying there and are pulling people out, one by one.

I left the event feeling incredibly inspired and wondering - am I pulling as many people out as I can?  Although I have my trip to Rwanda booked (leaving in 2 months!) and I volunteer on a community committee, the majority of my time is spent at work and raising my daughter.  The truth is, I've always felt I should do more. I even have a shooting star tattooed on my back to remind me of what I am capable of doing, so I would not forget to never settle.

I realized that night that I haven't been at a place where I feel safe to branch further out. I live in a house where I feel under siege - between things breaking and flashbacks to the dramatic end to the marriage.  I didn't chose to live in this house, I ended up living here by circumstance.

In the past 2 months I've set everything else aside and have focused on finding a home for Stella and I.  A solid foundation from which we can continue to build our lives.  I think (hope) I have found that place & if this one doesn't work out, I won't give up until I find the home that is right for us.

I truly believe this is a missing piece to getting my 'maslovian needs' in order - and now I want to do more - help others who's needs aren't met.

Despite wondering if 'doing enough' after hearing these amazing leaders, I attended a fundraising dinner for a soup kitchen where my team at work at served a lunch. After we saw the poor condition of their cooking supplies, we shipped boxes of sets of culinary knives for the kitchen along with blankets and coats and whatever else we could pull together to supply to the homeless people who depend on this facility each day for their meals and services.  Although this was done without thinking twice, the person who runs the soup kitchen found me at the dinner and thanked me for coming through - not for saying that we wanted to help - but for doing it and taking it to the next level but sending the supplies. 

Right now I have the urge to pick everyone up - that passion and buzz inside - but right now I am doing what I can. Right now, I need a home base to start from.  Right now, I need to raise my daughter. But as I go along, I can help on the community committee, I can spend time at the orphanage in Rwanda, making those kids feel special and valued - and I can help a poorly supplied soup kitchen along the way -- what can you do today?

Don't be neutral - don't be a negative - pick someone up.

Helpful read: A Single Mom's Guide to Career Advancement (For Any Working Mom!)

Great article from TheGlassHammer.com:
A Single Mom's Guide to Career Advancement (For Any Working Mom!)

Resurrecting Soup Guy

In the fall of 2013 I met a lovely guy whom I named Soup Guy. We only had two dates because I didn't feel the "wow" factor.  However, in the year and a half since, I've thought of him many times as I grumbled to myself that this date 'didn't do this' or was 'lousy at that' - and would compare the less-than dates to Soup Guy who did everything right.

So when I came across him on an online dating since in 2015, I asked if he would like to catch up over a drink.  We met up last week and had good conversation, he is as nice as ever. Easy going, non-judgemental, asks a lot of questions.  Although the immediate "wow" factor isn't there right now, I am well aware that my "wow" factor-o-meter is a bit off and usually points to self-involved, un-evolved guys.  He asked for a second date and said he has a fun idea so I'm going to say yes and see what is in store.

Big Data and Online Dating

Despite the more than 100 first dates I've probably been on since my divorce, I have had probably 90 bad first ones and out of the remaining ten, first bad second dates.  Surely there must be a science to this.  I've put my own first date criteria in place to drastically reduce the number of 'nice guys' I say yes to, in hopes to meet more 'potential guys' out for a drink.

Amy Webb, a digital strategist and author, decided to take a scientific approach to dating - her TED Talk on "How I Hacked Online Dating" is a must watch!

De-skunking my life

I haven't written in a while...since I last wrote, my house has been sprayed three times by skunks that made a home and under addition, the hot water pipe running to said addition froze (who knew a hot water pipe could froze) and the backroom in my basement got water in it twice.  I've been struggling to keep from drowning!

There are a few things I've learned from having challenge after challenge arise within days of each other over the last few weeks:
1) I can handle anything. I've caught 2 skunks and 2 possums in traps myself! I've de-smelled, thawed, dried out, waterproofed and smell-proofed my house.

2)  People show up when you need them. At one point I thought perhaps I was on the outs with the universe. Maybe the great force had finally turned it's back on me for all of the selfish thoughts I've had over the years. But after the skunk, pipe and flooding happened the first time, my doorbell rang. And my friend was standing there. 10 mins later it rang again. And another friend showed up.  The next night another friend showed up with flowers and took Grace and I for the best ice cream we've ever had!  If that's not a true sign that the universal force of love has your back, then I don't know what is!

3) I feel completely unrelatable and unattached to the rest of the world.  Although it is with great pride that I can say I'm addressing these obstacles on my own, it sounds bizarre when you try to explain this to a guy. It's not hot. It's not needy. It's like I'm too far removed for anyone to find me remotely desirable again.

4) I went from being lonely and feeling a hole inside to loving my alone time and feeling pretty fulfilled.

Between 3 and 4 it is a weird juxtaposition because while I feel completely undate-able - I also have very little desire to really date.  Maybe it is because the last 8 months I've met some really lame, lame people...but now I immediately react with a mix between "this guy wouldn't want to hang with me" and "why would I ever want to hang with this guy?"

I did go out on one date in the last month with a guy I met 2 years ago. We couldn't get it together to go out on a date then and he insists that it was because I was being flakey. But I remembered thinking he seemed like a player. Well sure enough, a tiger can't hide his stripes and he made several flirty references but he couldn't quite ask me out for a second date. 

So what does this all mean?  Well, basically that I'll be really happy when there are no skunks under my addition....or in my life :)

What he did before the first day came true 10x by the 5th date!

An early blogpost put forth the theory that "whatever a person does on the first date, multiply it by 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the relationship".

This rang true with the last guy I dated. We went out 4 times. Before the first date, he texted for so many weeks that I said I didn't sense he was that interested and wished him good luck with his search. He said he was interested and finally asked me out.  Straight away: he was not interested enough.

On the second date, we met at a bar near his place in the city. I drove around for 40 mins looking for parking. He was at the bar having a drink for the last 20 mins of my desperate search for a spot, and not once offered to come out and help me find a spot.

On date three and four, he drove out to my town but made no effort to make plans, he left it all to me.

So after 2 weeks went by and he texted and said "what are you doing next week? what to meet up?" I thought 'no, I want to be asked to have dinner, I "meet up" with my friends'.  So I kindly wrote back and said that this was feeling like more of a friend thing, but I was happy to hang out as friends, time permitting (I didn't say time permitting but I assume that was understood).

He proceeds to send a few texts saying he was just busy and he is interested, but I didn't have the heart to say "even when you made time, you still did not make much of an effort".  And now it's time to move on..

What to do When You Have Stretched Passed Your Limit?

I am most definitely stretched passed my limit.

I've over-extended myself, over-spent my energy and over-reached my boundaries in order to try to make life perfect....and what came as a result? I'm past the point of exhaustion and (spoiler alert) life didn't end up perfect after all :)

At this point it is time for a total life recharge: take care of myself

• Turning down social invitations when I feel the need to catch up on sleep
• Indulging in some wonderfully entertaining TV programming
• Picked up a bottle of body wash that says "indugle" so I thought I would. 
• To start to fight back my own image of myself as a rundown 35 year old living inside a haggard, worn-out 85 year old body, I invested in 2 key 'beautifiers':
1. The Clairsonic skin cleaning brush. My skin as never felt so soft and looked so shiny! It took years off instantly!
2. A fancy new hairdryer which hasn't arrived yet so I can't remember the name nor give an honest review, but I am sure it will yield Jennifer Aniston-level style

I have a lot of overextending, overspending, and overreaching to heal. It will take some time. So going forward, I learned a few key lessons to try and prevent passing my limit:

• Ask for a break as soon as I need it - don't wait until it is dire
• Take care of myself as a priority, not only as a remedy
• Change internal dialogue to be positive - because life is perfectly imperfect
• Laugh WAY more often
• Move out of the way of the storm of those who will take what you have and leave you feeling empty 
• Recognize joy in small moments