Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Lesson unfolded - the conclusion

I ended things with The Runner last night. My intention was to ask to him give more, to take a step forward. To give what he gave when we first met - the small reassurances and sweet messages that sent my heart aflutter.  

As the conversation unfolded I realized he was saying the same things as before - doesn’t fit into a ‘family environment’, doesn't’ know if he can give me what I need. And I was asking for the same thing as before - please open up.  So instead of asking for more, I ended it.  He isn’t where I am.  He has been so consumed with his own issues that he forgot to put energy into building a relationship.

He was surprised, he didn’t expect it. I have been giving him so much encouragement lately I can see why, but at the same time, he chose to shut down on me and knowingly didn’t open back up. Did he think I would stick around giving endlessly without receiving anything back?

He felt awful.  I was brutally honest. I told him he was so lucky to have an opportunity to add not 1 special person to his life, but 2 and he viewed it as scary.  He said I deserved better and I said that held no weight for me because he didn’t treat me better. How do you tell someone they are the nicest person you’ve ever dated yet treat them the poorest?

He said he deserved everything I said and that he was hurt but it was all on him.

All I wanted was for him to step up. Do something. Anything. Tell me you want to make it better. Use this as a wake up call. But he resigned himself to this ending without a fight.  That’s what hurt the most.  Why say you don’t want this to end but not do anything about it when it is in your control? Yeah, he screwed up. So fix it!  The fact he didn’t make any overtures to fix it tells me he doesn’t care that much.

I feel naive and downright stupid to have thought there was potential there.  I instantly fell for the guy I met. And then convinced myself it is silly to wait for the other shoe to drop, good things do happen. And then the other shoe dropped. And that guy went away. Replaced by someone who was distant and unyielding.

I wrote him a letter today. I haven’t sent it yet. Partially for closure for myself. Partially for closure for him. Honestly, partially because I want him to come after me.  Stop feeling sorry for himself and do something.  But that isn’t going to happen.  It’s not who he is right now. And this is not what I deserve.  (footnote: I found the courage to end this not because I know I deserve better but because I know Grace does. I would tell her to throw this fish back and find one that makes her happy all of the time. I won’t set an example for her that she nor I are not worthy of better).

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