Monday, December 17, 2012

Lesson unfolding...part 1

I texted The Runner and told him that I would like to know what he’s thinking/feeling. Where his head is at. I can’t tell if I’m a convenience or a positive in his life.  He doesn’t give me any verbal cues. And as a result, I don’t know what his actions mean.  So I’ve been in a state of uncertainty for about a month now and have hit the limit on my tolerance for uncertainty.  I knew this would push me to my limit. I was hoping that would happen after the New Year, but apparently my limit is December 17th.

I’m writing this blog post as this is unfolding. He hasn’t responded yet. And I haven’t yet found clarity as to what I am thinking/feeling right now.

What I know for sure:
I’m not getting enough. I need more positive feedback, I need to know things are ok and that he likes me. (Example: I texted "I miss you" and he said "thank you" - I assume then, that he does not miss me too?)
He is trying with his actions. But without his words, I can’t tell what he is thinking.
Every time I feel giddy with excitement over him, it quickly turns to anxiety because I have no idea if he feels the same about me.

What I’m scared of:
That I’m being unreasonable in saying I’m not getting enough. Maybe his actions should be enough for me to know he really likes me.
That I’m not the type of girl that guys ‘fall for’. The girl that they openly express their interest for. The girl they are excited to spend time with.

What I suspect could be happening - but can’t even think clearly enough to know for sure: 
I need more. But I’m too scared to ask for it. Too scared that I’m being unreasonable. Or that I’ll be alone forever.  I know I need more but I’m not sure that I deserve more.

Dating The Runner has been a great exercise in uncertainty.  But now I’ve hit my limit and need to know where things stand. To know if we are close to or on the same page. To have something to hold on to if things continue to go forward.

Now, perhaps, this lesson is about deserving more. The infamous phrase that every girl says to one another: "you deserve better".  How do I know that’s just not what the girls say to their loser friend to make her feel better (and why do I always cast myself as the loser friend?). How am I supposed to KNOW that I deserve better when right now, I’m really not sure that is the case.  Never have I raised my hand up to someone and said I deserve better. Much less left if I didn’t receive it. I’ve always convinced myself that whatever was given was enough, because if I pushed for more, I’d likely end up with nothing.
Getting less than what I need is resulting in stomach aches and zapping my energy.  Isn’t that a sign something isn’t right? Is this where I learn to stand up for what I deserve? I need to believe it first.

I don’t have a wisdom-filled conclusion for this post because it’s still unfolding. He could write back in a vague and pragmatic fashion, letting me know he isn’t going to give more. Or he could write back with words of reassurance.  But my lesson isn’t in getting the result I hope for. My lesson is asking for what I need.

I think that’s what I’ve done. I think this is good....if it didn’t feel so scary to wait through!

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