Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Square Two

On Sunday, after the river of tears finally dried up, I watched an Oprah Lifeclass on dating - the premise being that women settle because they are afraid they won’t find anyone better and will be alone.  The crux being that it goes back to a sense of worthiness and knowing you are worth more than what you are getting.

Fast forward 24 hours and by Monday night I still hadn’t heard back from a text I sent to Officer Hottie on Saturday night.  Though I was advised to just let it go because clearly the hot & cold treatment isn’t what I want, I had that urge for an answer so I texted and asked what was up. I gently said that not even a nod in two days from someone sends a message and he just doesn’t seem up for this.  He apologized and said it was messed up that he didn’t text back.  He cited that he is ‘jaded when it comes to women’ and that he doesn’t know what wants or is looking for but that he isn’t sure he can give me his full attention at this time.  I said that I had a great time hanging out with him, but half-effort isn’t fair to me. And I’m all for taking things slow but it has to be mutual.

So I cut it off with him - and while I am pretty sure I just chose love for myself over fear of being alone, I didn’t really feel a sense of relief so much as bewilderment at the fact that I’m right back to square one...again….again...again. The same place I seem to keep landing.

But is it square one? Because before...before...before I would have drug this out, allowing him to string me along, holding on to hope that maybe he would have a change of heart and decide he wanted to put effort in.  This time I 'moved out of the path of the storm’.  I could feel it brewing, I knew I was setting myself up for pain by letting this continue, so I ended it before he could have a chance to ask me out again and then shift back into cold mode after that.

Does that mean this is square two? Because I stayed on my path. I didn’t chose the one that I knew would lead to false hopes and disappointed expectations.  Imagine if I would have cut things off with Chap as soon as I saw the storm brewing, as soon as I had evidence that something wasn’t right?!

Maybe I’m back at square two - further along my path, even if it is alone.

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