Monday, December 29, 2014

It's time for a new plan

I need a new plan. Whatever has been happening the last four years isn't working. I end up exhausted and in the same dark place.  There are definitely times where I see joy in every corner and then there are times I can't find hope no matter how hard I look. This is one of those times.

I was already sliding into a bad place starting a few weeks ago, then after a blowout with my mom I felt really depressed over Christmas. Very disconnected and alone (although I think Christmas can leave people feeling that way even under normal circumstances.)  I squinted as hard as I could and just couldn't find hope anywhere.  Then a good friend told me "the hope is for forgiveness....the hope is for finding joy in each moment" and I thought "yeah, I can hope for that!!"

After Christmas, my ex took Grace to his parents house for a 48 hour visit.  When they arrived home today, he emailed me to say he also took his girlfriend.  Record scratch - what?!? You took my daughter on an overnight trip with some girl I didn't even know existed?

Here are the details: She is 25 (he is 35) and they slept in the same bed. When Grace asked why they slept in the same bed, her father responded "because there weren't enough beds so we had to share one". I guess it didn't occur to him to share a bed with Grace and not the girlfriend.

During the time Grace was gone, I had a date scheduled with a Yale MBA candidate. After emailing for an entire month, we set a date and he texted "looking forward to tomorrow!".  On the day of, I emailed to let him know what time I would be free and never heard back. I tried again a few hours later, no reply.  He just disappeared.  What kind of person could be so thoughtless?

Bring on the full-on-second-momma-sized-meltdown last night.  Aching for Grace, feeling like possibly the world's biggest loser, I deleted Tinder, called my Dad for help on how to move forward from here.

I am going to spend my new year's eve at home, with Grace. And when she goes to bed, I will spend the evening writing out my plan - how I'm going to take care of myself and of Grace and our dog - and let everything else fall away.  Only us, only joy for 2015.

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