Thanksgiving and heavy hearts

That phrase caught me this week as it reminds me of what’s going on. Looking around at all of the things I have to be thankful for. Starting to see that maybe life isn’t as scary as I’ve been seeing it (though still having my daily morning panic attacks).  But also still unsure, unsteady.

I spoke with many of the sages in my life this week. If you are gonna work on worthiness, may as well pull out all of the stops, no reason to only go half way!  Here are a few of the insights gleaned as the work week is wrapping up and the weekend is about to dawn:
- Learn to validate myself.  I was disconcerted by the amount of energy I’ve spent worrying about what others think. It dominates so much of this blog it is embarrassing. Instead of wondering if I’m right or wrong, crazy or sane, it’s time to know that I’m enough.  What I’m thinking and feeling is ok. It’s me. It’s valid. It doesn’t matter what others think, it matters if I’m being true to myself.  I love Brene Brown’s tag line in Daring Greatly “It's not the critic who counts”.
(Here’s a fast and easy trick to knowing if your thoughts are fact or fiction: if it comes from a loving place, it is you, it is a fact. If it comes from fear, it’s a feeling, its temporary, it is fiction.)

- Stay connected.  Though I frequently feel isolated, the truth is there are many, many wonderful people supporting me. I may be crumble but they still hold me up. I can’t thank those people enough (many of whom are likely reading this now!).  THANK YOU!

- Stuff happens. Stuff happens & I’m ok. Stuff happens & I’m ok. I don’t give myself credit for any of the good things in my life (kid, dog, car, house, family, friends, etc) but I certainly take the blame for everything that goes wrong (it’s raining today, I must have committed a cardinal sin!)

- Know what you deserve. Ask for what you want. Don’t apologize. Enough said. Luckily I had a friend who has perfected this art and she’s teaching me!

All in all, a good end to the week before a bustling weekend and busy week follow.  I hope this blog post finds everyone well & on an upbeat as we close out a long, cold week.

It's Gonna Be Okay Journal

Painting a mental picture

I suck at letting go. Perhaps one day I will grow enough that I will be able to let something go because it just “is”, but so far in my life, I have required a mental picture to understand what happened in order to let it go.  I can cognitively say “it’s not a fit” but my heart can’t let go until I understand why.

I fought for a mental picture of my divorce for years, an understanding of why things fell apart in such a sudden and shocking way (though now I see now as sudden and shocking as I first thought). When people said stop asking why and accept it as it is, I agreed and focused on acceptance saying ‘it is what it is’. But as a result of my persistence in understanding, I did end up forming a mental picture of what happened and that has greatly helped my process of healing.

While reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly”, I found this passage that struck like a lightening bolt cutting through the dark fog of the storm:

“When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.”

I’m still working to know that I’m ok, even without a detailed explanation of why something.  But I am grateful to have found this little bit of insight that helped me gain clarity and a step further to healing. Not just from The Runner, because let’s face it, this isn’t about him - this is about healing myself. Knowing that I’m ok.

I have been wondering lately, does this sense of okayness come easily and innately to everyone else? Or is this a common struggle among many, but viewed as taboo to admit?  Where is the balance between having the armor of confidence to protect your heart but remaining vulnerable and open to connection and the full experience of life?

Thoughts on happiness

As it always seems to be, things appear right when needed. Amid my soul searching, I came upon 2 interesting blog posts from Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happniess Project”.

The first is is an except from Gretchen’s interview with Brett Blumenthal:
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
When I start to do things that aren’t true to who I am or what I believe, my happiness takes a nose dive. The more I can stay true to myself and what is important to me and my values, the more I am in a happy place.

Is there a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
There are so many quotes that are great about happiness, but one of my favorites is “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” by Aristotle. It is so simplistic, yet sums up so much. In the end, we are masters of our own destiny, and so, our own happiness. If we are unhappy, only we have the power to change that. When we can stop looking externally to find happiness, whether it be through materialistic things, other people to make us happy or anything else, and instead, look inwards and rely on ourselves, we can finally find happiness.

The second is a quote from Robert Musil’s, “The Perfecting of a Love”:
“…all she felt was that she did not want to do anything or prevent anything, and her thoughts slowly wandered into the snow outside, without a backward glance, further and further, as when one is too tired to turn back and walks on and on.”

“I’m ok”

After facing the hard truth that my hang up on The Runner was less about him and more about me doubting if I’m ok, I spent the weekend (and am still) thinking about what this means.  I never learned the resilience of “stuff happens” in life but I’m ok. Instead I somehow decided that stuff is happening because of me. As a result of something being wrong with me. And if only I could address what is wrong, then I could control/prevent stuff from happening.  But it’s not true. There is nothing to control. And on some level, I know things did not happen because of me.

So I kinda know that stuff happens.  Maybe I wasn’t the catalyst for many of the painful events that have occurred. Maybe I wasn’t the let-down of a wife that my ex made me feel to be. Maybe I wasn’t the dull, weight dragging The Runner down that I felt like each time he told me he didn’t “fit into a family environment”.  Maybe I can let myself off the hook (this will take A LOT of work). But....“I’m ok”?  Am I, really? It sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’m running on empty. Dangerously close to sputtering to a stop. In need of a recharge.

I re-read this blog. Horrified by the amount of energy I’ve spent worrying about what others think. Specifically, tieing my “ok-ness” to whomever I was dating.  At first I thought that I haven’t moved forward. But then I took a step back and saw things that I’ve done differently, that I wouldn’t have done a year ago:
1) I ended it with The Runner instead of working and working to force it to work.
2) I have not contacted The Runner since the last blog post.  I have a strong urge to hear him say “you are ok” and I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t matter what he says, what he thinks, or what he’s doing right now. I’m ok, I need to know it, I’m ok.
3) I know what I deserve. And I’m taking steps to let go of anything less.

The disappointment with The Runner was a big hit. Bigger than I expected. I hoped it would work out. In truth, I actually thought that it would (not logical, I know, but I’m driven by heart, barely balanced by sound mind). The hit came at the worst time, when the holidays bring isolation to a painful razor sharp point.  It knocked me down. And I’m scared to get back up because I don’t want to endure another wave.

I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok. I hold my hand over my heart every morning and repeat these words until I can open my eyes and face the world. I think of Grace and our dog and tell myself I’m ok. 

 

Fakebook

I’ll admit it, Christmas was awful. I can’t even pinpoint why. tt was painful; downright traumatic. It used to be this amazing time, filled with love, laughter, surprises and a bit of magic. But in the two years since life exploded right before the holiday, it has represented pain and loss.

I thought it would be different this year. My daughter and I participated in all of the traditional holiday festivities.  We were set for a perfect day: abundant cookies, first with a tree, we even lit the Advent wreath at church!  We were the very definition of holiday spirit. But as Christmas Eve dawned, my heart felt heavy. It was suffocating for 48 hours. I smiled my way through for Grace’s sake. But as I flipped through Facebook on Christmas Eve/Day and saw all happy, perfect families sharing their holiday bliss, I felt like something was wrong with me and I withdrew to hide my shame of a less-than-joyful day.

After sharing my truth with two very close superhero-ettes in their own right, they shared personal stories of loved ones who had very painful holidays as well, and then they shared what those people’s Facebook pages said: fun times with the family, perfect pictures with loved one. They were faking it on Facebook - apparently everyone does!

A friend once told me that people try to paint picture-perfect lives on Facebook. And I took offense, as a parent who posts gleeful pictures of my child. I explained that the pictures I post are small moments of pure joy in my life. It’s not painting a picture of a perfect life, my friends & family know it’s far from that. But for those moments, it was perfect. And I wanted to share my joy with others.  Perhaps that is the motivation of other Facebook friends.  But after hearing stories of people who blatantly have a hard time and turn around to proclaim their bliss to all, I realize setting the bar of expectation by Fakebook is asking for a trouble!  Why don’t we post “having a tough day today, could use a warm fuzz”, instead of posting “my Starbucks coffee is delicious!”.  I’m not suggesting we turn it into Ventbook or worse, Bitchbook, as no one needs to know every time you stub your toe.  But it’s just life and maybe if we were a little more honest, made ourselves a little more vulnerable, the connection and universal feeling of understanding that would result would be a far greater reward.

Disclaimer: I fully admit, I don't post my blog posts on my Facebook page. I've never posted one link to this blog. I'm curious as to others' views: do you feel like you can be honest on Facebook? or it is meant only to share the good moments (and abused to that effect by some)? Is this just another way of setting our expectations against unattainable standards (such as Photoshopped celebrity pictures and the Hollywood perpetuated of what is beautiful)?

Oops, I did it again

I called The Runner last night (even louder collective sigh of disapproval). He didn’t answer.  I didn’t leave a message. I melted down. I wanted to hear him tell me why, from beginning to end, that things happened.  Really, I wanted him to tell me I was good enough, I was loveable. Double Down and Mulan talked me off the ledge. Mulan, a former single mom, said that she’s been there before & I have to delete the number.  That this is on him, not me. Double Down saying the same (accompanied by many words of understanding though I insisted I was broken, he insisted I was emotional and would be stronger as a result). I wanted The Runner to call back because it would make me feel better but realized it would only a band aid. Even if he told me what I wanted to hear, it wouldn’t fix the problem, it would only make me feel better. Only I can fix this problem. I need to know I’m ok. If he says it, it doesn’t change anything until I believe.

I was on the phone when he called back so I let it go to voicemail (normal for me).  He left a voicemail saying he saw my call, was just driving home, give him a ring back if I want & he’ll be around.  I didn’t call back. Both Mulan & Double Down urged me to let it go. I don’t owe him an explanation and inviting any type of interaction even if to say “oops, Grace accidentally dialed you”, was too much.  So I deleted him number. Then I deleted the secret place I put it after deleting it. 


I feel raw. And vulnerable. And stupid. I reread at the email I sent him the day after ending things. I was so strong and clear. How did I go from that place of strength to twisting this around and telling him I want this to work. Although in truth, I was trying to leave an opening in that email, I remember hoping he’d write back and say he’d fix it. I never thought he’d just walk away.


I don’t understand why he said he didn’t want to lose me the night I ended it. And why he walked away the next day. I will never understand that.  But I’m focusing on what he’s thinking about me. I’m not thinking about what I was thinking about him – how hurt I was, how much anxiety he was causing by his vagueness and his ambivalence when they should have been excitement.


I feel awful. Stomach ache and all. I’m glad I don’t have his number. Because I keep obsessing in my head but at least now I can’t act on it. Because that feeling of a knife right in the gut when I called and got voicemail, I decided that has to be worse than anything else so I can’t allow that to happen again.

He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone.  And I’m still fighting the same fight in myself I’ve been fighting for years.  I’m tired.

*this was supposed to be published on January 4th, it may be showing up at the wrong time*

Apsiring Actor gone wrong

As midnight struck and 2012 came to a close, the new year promptly brought a new character: The Aspiring Actor.

On New Year’s Eve, I met an Aspiring Actor who lives in LA and was in town visiting friends for the holidays.  With flawless skin and a penchant for hair product, he chatted and chatted until I literally could not stay awake.  I unwittingly gave him my number, more because I felt rude saying no (which is exactly what I’d be doing all night long), and because he is a friend of a friend, so it’s harmless right?

The next day I receive an overly flirty text (though I never once flirted!) referencing the next time we hang out (which I never agreed to) and the possibility of more happening (WTF!!!)  It took me 24 hours to craft a politically correct response that would be less offensive than my usual blunt honesty since he knows my friends.  My eloquent reply was “maybe our signals got crossed, I’m not looking to hang out right now”.  Ok, fine, maybe it wasn’t that eloquent. But if you read his text word for word (which I would have posted, but my mom reads my blog), you would be equally as shocked that anyone could possibly think this level of cheesiness works on any self respecting girl.


Case opened and closed on the first new character of the new year.

Letting go - for real!

I texted The Runner last night. (collective sigh of disapproval, I know).  He basically said that he ‘hasn’t forgotten about me’ but feels like he ‘is better off being a recluse than anything else right now’.  And then it hit me - he’s not a fit! Ok, ok, I know this is old news. But until now, I wasn’t just holding on to the person whom I cared for, I was holding onto hope that he would go back to being the person I met. But the truth of it is, the person I met is not capable of sustaining a meaningful relationship right now.  Moreover, that person is not capable of handling attachment to either myself or my daughter.  He’s not a fit!

So I am still sad, because it was nice when we were actually together. But the in between times - I don’t miss feeling like a convenience. Wondering if I like him more than he likes me. Wondering why he doesn’t say any of the niceties that come with new relationships.  I don’t really miss it afterall!  I missed the idea of what it could have been, not what really was.

I lifted the “no contact” restriction and said he can contact me if he wants, and if I’m uncomfortable, I’ll take space. Though at this point, there is nothing left to say to him.  I am hurt that he talked me into going out on the edge of the proverbial limb, while he stayed safely on the ground, far from any risk.  But I’ll get over it.  The resilience of Wonder Woman is one of my most powerful traits.  And I’ll know better next time that if someone isn’t investing equally, they do not get extended chances. Either man up, or step away.

I’ve been beating up on myself for opening up & investing so much in him. Even telling him I missed him after it was over. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about - telling someone how you feel. Being honest, being vulnerable, that takes far more courage than playing it safe.  I have always said that post-marriage blow up, I have been living life to it’s fullest. Not missing a moment. And I’m proud of myself for doing so in this situation. But next time, I will not allow someone along for the ride who isn’t an equal!

Letting go

It’s time to let go of The Runner. He gave the Christmas presents he made to Grace and I (gorgeous wine bottles lit from within with white lights, each personalized on the outside for Grace and I). He told me that I may be the right girl but it is not the right time for him (sting!!).  I asked him to refrain from texting me.  I opened up myself and my family to him, and now it is my time to heal.

We had one text conversation since Christmas (caused my one drunken text that I sent against my better judgement). He said he missed us and thinks about writing but does not want to hurt me further. He said he is reassessing what he wants out of life and does not know what that is yet. He said it’s not the right time right now.  Vague enough? Yes, I think so. He never explained what was really going on in his head enough for me to understand.

What I know:
I miss him every night before I go to bed. I miss him every morning when I wake up. I can't stand the idea that I'm not going to see him or talk to him again.
I continually tell myself that he has issues to sort out and this is not a fit.
I should move on, but I’m not able to do so right now.
If I really was the right girl for him or he would fight for this.

What I don’t understand:
Why does he tell me he misses Grace & I but he isn’t trying to fix this (I told him this directly).
What is causing him to reassess his life? What needs reassessing?
Is he going to move on and forget about me?
Is he happier now that we aren't hanging out while I’m feeling pretty sad?

It’s time to let go. I wish I knew how!  I made a list of all of the things that I’m upset with him for (23 items!). Down to nitty gritty detail. I re-read this list over and over to remind myself of why I need to move forward.  I keep thinking about what might have been and I’m losing focus on what really was.  What really was, was enough for me to end it. Enough for me to realize I don’t deserve to be treated that way. So why am I hanging on? Just because he comes back and says how much he cares?  That doesn’t get you very far if the actions don’t match.  It’s time to let go.