Monday, March 24, 2014

Letter to My Ex-Husband Part 2

Dear Ex Husband,

Thank you for your response to my earlier email.  I agree that sometimes things are easy between us and sometimes things are strained, that is exactly why I sent that previous email, because when things are strained, it rarely has to do with the present situation.

I can’t erase that when you are ‘traveling for work’ I imagine that you are lying and just sneaking off to be with some girl. I can’t change how I get physical nauseous when I see a new dad with a baby. How my eyes filled with tears when our mutual friend mentioned that her husband said likes to go out together was a family – I had to look away to hide it from her. How jealous I am of friends who are having babies and their husbands who are sticking by their side, spending time with their wife and baby.  It is hard for me to even be around them.

Even seeing my friend's twins' birthday – they went through hell to have those boys and they have it all now. And I have a broken home, I’m tired constantly, I can’t even register feeling ‘fun’, I consistently get ditched by guys because I have a kid – and I have to interact daily with the person who broke all of this. I don’t know how you can ever fix that.

Everyone says it will heal, but those same people have said 7 years for them.  I don’t want to lose 7 years of my life, I already lost 3.  I miss every moment of Grace’s first year when I was a wreck and crying and sick and scared. When I couldn’t just enjoy my baby girl.  Right now I miss sleep because the stupid PTSD symptoms, caused by your sudden affair and ending of our marriage, won’t go away and the nightmares invade every night, followed by panic attacks in the morning.  I’m so, so mad.

I’ve thought of a million ways to make you pay for this, something that could be done to set things right. But in truth, nothing will change it. It just has to heal. But I do hope that inside you can feel the pain I feel because it still takes my breathe away. It still makes me cry at random moments. It still makes me feel like an outcast in society – the girl who’s husband was out cheating while she was home with an infant.  It feels like I’m permanently branded by you.  I don’t know how to forgive you for that.  The best I can do is pretend you are 2 different people so I can hate the man that I married but tolerate the person who is Grace’s father.


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