Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Letter to My Ex-Husband: The Quantifable vs. Unquantifiable

Dear Ex Husband,
There isn’t really a point in getting in to this, but you and I address the things that are in quantifiable terms such as scheduling, babysitter fees, and flexible Grace’s extracurricular commitments because that is all we can do at this point.  And that makes sense, it is all anyone can do in this situation.

But the things that are hardest on me are not quantifiable. Nothing you can point to, pay for, trade off, or fix in any way. Those are the things that make the quantifiable items more irritating to me. So though I will likely get prickly about this stuff sometimes, I actually think the quantifiable things are going well, the scheduling, the flexibility, looking out for each other when possible. I’m not actually annoyed with any of that, just the opposite –I’m grateful it is going smoothly.

It is the things that are not quantifiable are so painful and are the root cause of so much hurt and underlying stress – that sometimes that stress leaks into the quantifiable things.  So I’m not annoyed about your work travel or when you pay for a babysitter, I think most stuff shakes out fairly and we operate smoothly.

But my underlying hurt, pain and stress – nothing can be done about it. Just time. And sometimes it heals more, then the wound opens again, then heals more, then opens a little again. The past few months the wound has been opening. And I’m hurting. And it is hard to see you or talk to you or even look at you in the eye.

I’m not sending this to ask for something different. Just to let you know why sometimes things are lighter and easier and sometimes they are harder and I seem frustrated.


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