Monday, September 15, 2014

Give It Time

The answer to everything seems to be “give it time” or in John Lennon’s words, “Let It Be”.  I’ve been in a rut since July.  A few missteps off my path lead to some hurt feelings and lessons learned.  It isn’t fair to say rut. Because it has all been good learning to stay on my path.

In the meantime while I’ve misstepped, been hurt and learned, my friends have all moved forward. Most recently my closest guy friend got a girlfriend and I saw on facebook that Chap even has a new girl.  Imagine that: a mean, monster-like person even found a new girlfriend. I couldn’t help feeling like I was staring at his next victim.

But back to the point, it feels like everyone is moving forward and I’m stuck in place.  

The overarching theme over the past few months has been the difference between ‘feeling something’ and ‘being something’. i.e. I ‘feel’ like I’m stuck in place. But am I really?  Next time a guy comes on super strong and my crazy-detector antenna goes off - will I ignore it just to have one good moment? No, because now I know you who someone is until words and actions align - and even after that it takes time to know what is underneath. And moreover, I learned I simply cannot handle jumping in fast.  Jumping in fast is a big risk when I could just ease in and end up with the same reward.  

On top of all of that learning - I am dating a really good guy!  I don’t know if he’s a fit or not yet, that needs time until I sort myself out.  But I found someone who treats me the way I always thought was possible but never thought I would actually see!  I don’t know how to feel his affection for me when I’m not feeling affection for myself right now.  It is interesting that when I start to take care of myself, I relax, and I feel more affection toward him.

So I’m not stuck with dating.

The one rut I have stayed in is blaming myself. A man in China could stub his toe and I would find a way to put the blame on me. The constant thoughts of ‘you aren’t good enough’ are paralyzing. They prevent me from feeling joy and prevent me from really moving forward.

I have fought these thoughts my whole life.  And at times I’ve had success - moving forward - realizing that I am lovable. I’m still working on “I am enough” (Interestingly my head knows I’m loveable even without feeling enough.  But I WANT to know that I’m enough.  When someone loves me, I want to know that I am worthy. And if someone doesn’t love me, I want to know that I was, am and always will be enough.).

I was going to write next “now I just need to learn how to let someone care for me” - but I am so tired of the ‘you should’ and ‘you need to’s - they are exhausting me. And it sounds like I’m not good enough, constantly saying I should be doing this or that better or different.

How can this be re-said - to be kinder and gentler to myself - to acknowledge the work that’s been done so far without making the work to come seem overwhelming?  How about: Now I can experience someone caring for me.  Although at times, the old path will seem easy to choose - feeling I’m not worthy. But I know inside I deserve it. And if anything, it is mine to chose who is worthy of caring for me. Knowing that when I care back, I do so freely and openly.

So I’ve learned. And I’ll misstep again and learn.  Right now the path to letting someone care for me is fuzzy. I’ve been hurt enough that it is scary to let anyone near - including family and friends. I like to curl up in a ball and hide when the hurt settles in.  But that’s not really a long-term option, so I’ll tip toe forward until my footing feels more sure and I’m on the right path.  Encouraging, not degrading myself on the way. Shaking off the blame and guilt that comes with each trigger, tip toe forward, tip toe forward, until I find my way.

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