Friday, September 12, 2014

What Do You Do When Feelings Don’t Grow?

It is a fact that The Good Doctor has treated me better than anyone. I didn’t have a childhood that was filled with encouragement, thoughtful surprises and positive reinforcement.  My mom flat out told me that I am not used to be given anything and now that someone is giving to me, I don’t know what to do with it.

It is also a fact that The Good Doctor turned the corner from get to know you to relationship in the blink of an eye.  It totally spooked me. I was still in ‘having fun getting to know you’ mode” and it felt like he was expecting me to be his girlfriend - so instead of texts being something I looked forward to, they felt like a chore. Rather than a date being something to get excited about, it felt like an obligation I had to do, even though I’m exhausted from many sleepless nights and I really want to spend an evening by myself.

I told The Good Doctor that I needed to slow this down. We skipped the dating part - going out and doing things and getting to know one another. I wasn’t ready to jump right in to something and the idea of jumping before I was ready meant pressure and expectations to me. He said he understood. Unfortunately, I had to have the same talk 3 different times in a few days and his actions aren’t changing.

He invites himself over to drop off thoughtful gifts or to help with something. In fact, every day I’ve been home, he’s invited himself over for some reason or another - I’m sure he’s just being thoughtful but for a girl who can’t get a minute to herself right now, it feels intrusive.

I do like him very much as a person. He has a ton of good attributes. He’s probably the best person I’ve dated.  So why aren’t my feelings growing? Or worse, why am I shrinking away from him? Instead of daydreaming about kissing him, I pull away when he tries to touch me. His little touches don’t feel endearing, they feel intrusive.

I don’t want to say “lets be friends” if I am pushing him away because I’m not used to being on the pedestal, but I don’t want to string him along if this is a simple case of missing chemistry.  I really do want to be friends, I want to continue to spend time together. Because the idea of hanging with him with no pressure or expectations at all is something I would look forward to. But reality of hanging out with him right now makes me glad I’m busy for a few days so I can have some space and live my life.

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