Friday, September 5, 2014

It Can Be Scary Being on a Pedestal

For so long now I’ve known the goal was to meet a guy who would chase me. Who would put me on a pedestal. Who would treat me the way I’ve envied seeing other couples interact.

Here is when it hit me that The Good Doctor likes me. I don’t mean likes to hang out with me. I mean he - likes - me.

Where The Roofer was super complimentary about my looks and how fun it was to hang out, The Good Doctor compliments little things about my personality that he picks up on.

The Good Doctor brings me water and asks if I’d like a cup of tea. He makes sure that I’m both comfortable and happy. When he tells me he likes me, it is in a not over-the-top way, but at the same time his eyes are smiling.

This is amazing. Hands down, no caveats, it is amazing. And while my mind thinks how lucky I am to meet someone who is so special his own right, but also makes me feel cared for - my heart is terrified.  It bounces between being scared that I’ll let him down to a fear that he will realize I’m damaged and want to part of it.

My head says this is what I deserve. My heart says what if I’m not good enough.

It’s a different view up here, on someone’s pedestal. It’s not one I’ve seen before. It’s not one I am taking for granted. I want to be extra careful with his feelings while also respecting mine enough to give them they time they need to process this new view.

I told him that he met me while I’m still building, while I’m working on myself. And that work needs to continue while we hang out. He replied that he thinks I’ve done a great job so far and asked if there is anything he can do to help? I say thank you but it’s for me to continue to work on and he said even if it means I need some space, do what I need to do.

Right now when he compliments me, I can’t hear it. My head automatically tells me the opposite. I told The Good Doctor that I want to really be able to hear his compliments - that is the work that I still need to do.

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