Friday, September 26, 2014

Turning the Shield

One of the things I’ve come to with this ‘trauma response’ - the literal weight on my chest and shame spiral of thoughts, was created to function as a shield. It started as a way to protect me. Except this heavy shield as it exists today is inverted - with the curve going inward toward me so that when something happens, it almost settles on top of me like a puddle, adding additional weight.  I internalize, I don’t deflect.  So next time something makes me feel unworthy, I want to visual turning the shield. So that it doesn’t sit on top of the shield adding more weight, but instead the shield turned outward (the way you would normally picture it) actually creates more space between by heart and the unworthy event, pushing it away from me, deflecting it rather than absorbing.

I’m struggling with this right now, as I told The Good Doctor last night that it seems as though he’s looking for a full on, full time girlfriend and that’s just not where I’m at with this, so I think it’s best we just be friends. And now I’m starting to have the shame response that I got spooked, I couldn’t make this work. Inside of knowing that I asked for what I needed - to slow down and bring down the intensity, but he didn’t. Which was my cue that this wasn’t a fit - we weren’t on the same page and we weren’t heading there either. But still, I’m fighting off the habit of blaming myself instead of patting myself on the back for really putting forth a solid effort, being honest, and being fair - to both of us.

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