Wednesday, September 17, 2014

"It's Not Easy Being Green"

In the depths of a spiral, I’ve thrown every negative thought and feeling at my family and friends to convince them I’m not worthy: I’m broken, there is something fundamentally wrong with me and surely I do not deserve love.

Every single friend and each of my loving parents had the same response - I wish you could see yourself how others do. Conceptually I understand that we view others in one light, whereas they may feel differently on the inside. So I thought - ok, maybe others think I have it together, but I really am falling apart and they just don’t see it.

It wasn’t until my mom reframed it for me: you keep telling me you are yellow. Yet when I look at you, I see you are green. You repeat that you are yellow, yellow yellow and all I see is that you are clearly green, green, green. So though I tell her I am broken, unworthy, and there is something wrong with me - she is saying that everyone else sees green - I am strong, more than worthy and there is nothing wrong with me.  She even chuckled that my ex-husband spends his thoughts spinning stories so that he feels he has done no wrong. He is incapable of owning his mistakes and taking accountability. Whereas I spend my thoughts thinking how very wrong I am - when little, if anything I’ve ever done, has come from a bad place. I act out of love, I always do the best I can, and I consistently take the high road, admitting when I’ve made a mistake and owning up to it (only to find that people so easily forgive and love you anyway when you say ‘I’m sorry, I was wrong, I didn’t mean to be but it was my mistake!’).

Since this conversation with my mom, I’ve been repeating to myself: I’m green. I’m green. I’m green. I may not be like most other people. My intuitive nature may make me feel like a weirdo who is unrelatable but it doesn’t mean it is not accepted and loved for who I am, for my true nature.

Perhaps the wisest green friend of all, Kermit the Frog, said it best, “It’s not that easy being green….I’m green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful! And I think its what I want to be”.

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