Radical healing - as of June 2016

I've written very sparsely over the last year or so because there has been so much change I haven't known how to articulate it. From a trip to Rwanda to moving into our new house, I finally felt in control of my life and the path I was choosing.  As the new year rang in, I realized I've spent the last five years taking care of everyone else but I knew nothing of self-case for me.  I decided to embark on a path of 'Radical Healing' physically, emotionally and energy wise.

Physically I sought out a chiropractor, massage therapist, joined the gym and started to pay more attention to how what I ate and how I slept affected my well being.

Emotionally, I started EMDR, a specific type of therapy meant to help you process past traumas so that you no longer relive them in the moment but remember them as a memory - they become a part of your past, no longer a part of your present. To successfully do this, you dig deep into the infected wound and clear out each and every piece that contributed to the infection, giving the wound a chance to heal. Once you can see things clearly, you can learn what you need to do to set healthy boundaries and have a voice in your life so that the wound may finally heal.

A third part of radical healing is mentally finding balance. This involves recognizing that good self care involves quality time with oneself. I've learned to calm down when I'm alone - disassociate being alone with being unlovable and instead associate being alone with a loving to myself.  I also took up guitar lessons to give my mind and creativity some exercise. And I've been writing more often, knowing that if I right it out, I can regulate myself from almost any trigger.
 
We have arrived at the half way point in the year and I would say I am half way better. The intensity of feelings and pain is not less but the length of which they hit is shorter and perspective more easily steps in, allowing for greater resiliency.  I will say physically and emotionally it has been one of the most painful paths I have ever walked - cleaning everything out, digging right down to the bottom of my soul, seeing the truth of who I am and where I've been - it is scary. And I'm nervous about the next steps - does this path end in a place of peace? I can't see the ending right now but I can feel the improvement and the difference in thoughts and emotions along the way.

10 Dating Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore

1. How many times you go to the gym each week. I don't need to know that you go to the gym virtually every day because a body is only going to last for a finite amount of time but if you can't make me laugh, then we are really fucked in old age.

2. Being asked how often I work out. I don't care that maybe I get to the gym twice on a really over-achiever week.  I may be thin now but it is deceptive, it is 'stress fit' - i.e. not earned through hours of pumping iron but rather hours of chasing around my daughter and worrying about how to be the best parent, employee, boss, daughter, friend and all around human being that I can be.

3. How good you think/want me to look in 'jeans or a black dress.' Odds are if I'm wearing mascara, I've both made a concerted effort and am already physically uncomfortable. Just be happy I didn't show up in my 15 year old sweatshirt and jammy pants.

4. Figuring out what to order at a restaurant. Does the menu offer hot food that someone else prepares? Then I'll take two. I don't give a fuck what you think about my eating habits. I'm happy to not make nor consume mac n cheese for one night.

 

5. "Hanging out"  I like to go out on dates. I don't want to "hang out"' with you. I "hang out" with my friends so if I wanted to "hang out" with someone, I would be "hanging out" with one of them.

6. Waiting for someone to text.  You wanna act like you don't like me? Maybe you 'aren't that into me' - its totally cool but I don't want to sit around waiting for your texts or last minute invitations to "'hang out." I could better use that time binging on Netflix.

7. What my friends think of online dating, News flash to everyone who hasn't dated after the year 2003: everyone is online in 2016, get over it. My success rate of losers to good guys is the same in a bar versus online. It's not about the place of meeting, it is about the substance of the person on the other side.

8. Wearing the same pair of jeans twice in a row. That's right, I double up on my jeans. That one pair that fits perfectly and doesn't feel like I'm being constricted in a torture chamber. I'm going to wear the shit out of them. And I don't care if you wear the shit out of your guy-equivalent jeans either.

9. How well you played in your last game of golf.  No really, I don't give a fuck about your golf game.  I am interested in your cooking skills though...

10. Making last minute plans. Oh, it is Thursday at 3pm and you just realized you have nothing to do tonight so you want to "hang out" with me? I don't fucking care that you are unable to plan ahead, because I make big-girl plans and am busy!  If you want to go on a date, ask me ahead of time and I'll pencil you in.

 

(in response to the genius piece, "20 Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore")

Single Parent Hacks: Work, Dating, Wellness

Check these useful tips out on the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenn-lyons/single-parent-life-hacks-_b_8327964.html

Life Book - 2015!

A good friend sent me this email called "Life Book 2015" and I thought everyone could use a quick read:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

I thought I needed a husband...when what I needed was a wife!

After five years of single parenting, I finally broke down and admitted that I needed help. A wonderful girl from my work offered to come over and help me with Grace.  I offered to pay her, as I knew she was saving to buy a house - and I desperately needed the help.

She came over and played with Grace while I made dinner and took care of a few things around the house. Then she ran an errand and cleaned out Grace's too small clothes from her overflowing closet. (Next week she is going to hang something for me - she even knows how to use those illusive anchors which I've never figured out).

By the end of the night, Grace was relaxed because she didn't have to spend so much time playing by herself while mommy was doing "house stuff" - and I was relaxed because someone took the pressure of being the 100% source of entertainment while simultaneously handling household responsibilities.

When she left, I enjoyed a nice glass of wine and dozed off to sleep with a smile. For so long I thought that I needed a husband - it turns out what I needed was a wife!

Now she comes every week for one miraculously night where my to-do list is cut in half and my child goes to bed happy. I strongly recommend a mother's helper for any single mom (or working mom) - go get one today!

Avoiding a dating hangover.

Cognitively I realize that meeting someone ends one of two ways: you end up married (or committed together) or you don't.  Nonetheless, it didn't work out with the 'almost dating' tennis player. He swept me off my feet when I first met him, but when he returned to the daily grind, he was all 'take' and no 'give'. Although I enjoy his company very much, I don't want a fun weekend here and there when it is convenient, I want more...I want it all. So I told him it felt more like a friends thing because it seemed that we were on two different pages.

It is so hard to stand up for what you want in the long run, when in the short run a romantic date would be awesome. It's a bit like deciding to take a shot when you are out - you know it will make for a fun night...but it's going to hurt after.  How often do you find yourself saying "So glad I did that shot!" - usually it is "I wish I hadn't done that"  So in the spirit of avoiding any dating hangovers, I've closed this chapter and am looking forward to a new one starting.

Almost dating...

I'm almost dating someone. We met online while he was in my area, and much to my chagrin it turned out that he lives two time zones away.  We had 5 dates in 5 days and by the end of the week, he was hooked and so was I.  The next week he was still in my time zone but no longer local. He showered me with sweet texts and thoughts of spending time together again.  We planned our next visit and agreed not to date anyone else while we got to know each other.

Then he went home and back to the daily grind.  And the sweet texts turn to perfunctory, leaving me wondering if he was still interested.  While those first five dates sound like a dream, it came on fast and strong and made me nervous. I had my guard up, waiting to see if he was for real.  By the end of his time here my guard started to drop and that's when he headed home.

We text here and there throughout the day, but it is hard to get to know someone over text. I 'asked him out' on a FaceTime date, which he readily accepted. I didn't know how to clearly say - I would like you to block time to spend with me. If he were here, we would have dates. But long distance doesn't mean you can put in less effort, it means you have to be more creative. (in retrospect, I suppose I could just say those exact thoughts - but it is so hard to say things straight, isn't it?)

I reach out with sweet texts on occasion, the one I sent last night went unanswered.  The story that I'm telling myself is that he is interested in what's convenient for him and not interested enough to make an effort to get to know me.  For all I know he was thinking 'it is late and she was so tired so I'm not going to respond so she can sleep.'

I've tried to check in a few times to see what he is thinking but my reaches toward him, whether sweet or check in, are frequently met with an emoticon as a response. Perhaps he didn't get the memo that I don't speak emoticon.

So I'll continue to 'almost date' him until either the spark become stronger or fizzles out altogether.

Grace's 5th Birthday

Today is Grace's 5th birthday and I woke up extra early today, giddy with excitement that my little girl is now 5!  I posted a short, sentimental remark on facebook along with a picture of her from the beach, gazing out over the ocean. All morning I felt this resounding strength, that with very little help, I raised this happy, healthy five year old who makes me, and many others, smile every day.

Then it hit...a mini panic attack. I flashed back to her father's dead eyes in the hospital. The way he was texting, only to find out it was a girlfriend on the other end, while I'm in a hospital bed learning to care for my newborn baby girl.  And all of the pain came flooding back, setting off a shame spiral.

I hate that this is my story. I can not stand it.  But I'm trying to embrace it. It has shaped who I am, and as a result, shaped who Grace is as well - its given her an example of strength and determination to move forward. I'm a real-life case study of resilience.  I hope that one day the strength will carry me so far forward that the panic and pain can no longer reach me.

Love this one: 13 Reason to be Jealous of Single Moms

Gotta check out this awesome article on '13 Reasons to be Jealous of Single Moms: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/tara-kennedy-kline/celebrating-all-single-mommies

From the Worst to the Best in 6 Days

Last week I went out on the worst date. I agreed to dinner, which is unusal for me, but I was trying to be optimistic that it was worth the time investment to give someone a change.  As I arrived, I realized he downed a glass of wine before I got there. When we sat down, he wanted to order a bottle of wine. I suggested going glass by glass because I was only going to have one and he said "I challenge you to finish a bottle of wine" and I said "I have to drive" and he said "so do I". After a big to-do to pick a bottle of wine (me saying 'whatever you pick will be fine'), he ordered a vegan dinner and polished off the entire bottle sans my one glass.  Tipsy at the end, he asked if I wanted to hang out again. I went home with the resolve that being alone for the next 10 years would be better than repeating this dinner ever again/

Fast forward six days and I'm at a work meeting with the CEO of a company we just acquired came to sit next to me after lunch. As he walked over, I panicked, wondering what work-talk I was going to coherently make, after just having a meal and having a food-hangover.  Luckily, he wasn't looking to talk shop and we quickly entered the realm of TV after I blurted out 'So did you start referencing the Heisenberg Theory before or after 'Breaking Bad' got big?' Much to my amusement, he went straight to the topic of Breaking Bad and from there asked 'have you seen Weeds?' - have I seen Weeds? Nancy Botwin is one of my personal heros (in all of her hot mess-ed-ness).

From there we took a short leap to travel and then to Africa. He's been!  He fell in love with the people and the culture when he visited. I was gushing about Rwanda. The love, the heart break, the difficulty being here and strong pull to be back there. At that point, he referenced a Buddhist principle which I immediately recognized at Pema Chondron - Pema - he reads Pema!  Wow! 

Unfortunately our talk was cut short because the larger group meeting resumed.  He said we should talk more and asked what office I was in.  Long story short, we had a work email exchange and against probably all reason, logic and good advice, I found a somewhat low key way to drop in my number.

For the amount of time I've put in complaining about the lack of quality dates and connection - I decided that when a good conversation comes along, you have to at least make an effort toward it.

I have no idea if he was as amused (even excited) as I was. Maybe he meets people like this every day.  But I don't feel that sense of connection so easily and I was eagerly hoping for the conversation to continue.

I'm sure that the conversation happened for a reason - maybe it wasn't go get to know him, maybe just to remind me of that the depth that I'm holding out for really does exist.  It was worth going out on a little limb to see!