Monday, February 25, 2013

Fresh air with The Teacher

I went out with The Teacher over the weekend. It was a very fun night. He is not jaded. How rare to find!  He doesn’t judge and has a pure, somewhat innocent way of looking at things. No wonder his kids trust him implicitly. It is a refreshing to be around.  However, as the night went on and I realized how not-dark he is, I thought about how dark I feel myself.  I feel cynical and untrusting.  Jaded and lost. I was never like this, I prided myself on maintaining a view filled with innocence and hope regardless of what life served up...until the affair & divorce, when it all fell apart. It feels like I’ve lost my innocence. I’ve lost my hope.  

In my date debrief with my mom, I mentioned my concern that The Teacher has no darkness in his perspective and that I do. She told me she doesn’t think that I am a dark person by nature. I may feel that way right now, but it isn’t me.  Could it be true - could the piece of myself that felt like a casualty of cruelty still be intact under the surface? I hope so!

At the end of the date, The Teacher gave me a hug. Much to my chagrin, as I was anticipating a nice kiss at the end of a very fun (and almost flirty for him) evening!  Regardless, I found myself looking forward to our next time together and hoping it would be soon as the absence of any pressure that this viewpoint brings feels like fresh air.

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