Friday, February 1, 2013

Shame Spiral

I laid down on the couch, curled up in a ball, crying. We all know the position, though no one wants to talk about it nor frequent it. I know I still need bubble wrap around me. I can’t sustain being bumped around, it knocks me down too easily. I got knocked down again, right back into the Shame Spiral (we all know that one well too, it is usually what lands on the couch, curled up in a ball!). And because my energy meter is still scraping the bottom, I went down quickly and am rapidly tapping that freaking A button to drag myself up again (see January 28th post about Mike Tyson’s punch out). I’ve had a brief, meaningless email conversation exchange with The Runner. When we dated, I felt hope for the first time in 2 years and although I let go of him as a person, knowing he was not a fit for me, I was clinging to that hope that there might be a fit, knowing that if I let go, I would once again feel hopeless. I sent a closing email to him yesterday gracefully ending the conversation and suggesting it may be time to let go & that being friends is probably just a silly idea made up for movies. I cut the final thread and as I waited for him to write back I remembered that I asked him not to! I proactively bubble wrapped myself - great, I am not giving this situation one once more of my energy!! But letting go of that hope was/is really sad. The Teacher has barely communicated since our last conversation which I thought went to well. It sucks when you start to open up and let someone get to know you, only for them to turn around and walk away. Then I went to the jewelry store to sell back my engagement and wedding bands. As the jewelry took my rings to examine then, he sat me down in front of the engagement ring cases to wait. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Talk about salt in the wounds. He couldn’t put 2 and 2 together - I’m selling BACK my engagement and wedding ring. I stared at the floor in shame. I was here because of a failed marriage. I’m the loser whose husband cheated on her and now I have to give back the most gorgeous symbol of my commitment and love to a fake failed marriage. It was gut wrenching sitting there. And then I had a moment of clarity...a woman came in with a baby strapped to her front and a 5 year old in tow. The 5 year old said “Mommy, why do you NEED to buy diamond earrings” and the mother replied “because I work hard”. Perhaps I was there to sell back these rings because I was really great in my marriage, unfortunately I married a dud. Now I am selling these sentimentally worthless rings so I can turn their value into something that will benefit Grace & I - a proverbial cash bonus for my hardwork in my marriage to a dud. Lastly, I had a professional disappointment this morning and received this “you are really great” talk, but obviously I was not great enough. It felt like the “it’s me not you talk”! I won’t get into details but you know the drill. Hello Shame Spiral!! You are pulling me down fast: You are great, but not great ENOUGH. I’m trying to repeat that this is about fit, not about worth. You are good enough just by being a puzzle piece. But by definition, every puzzle piece is unique and only fits one place in the big picture. It’s not easy to find where your piece fits. However, the consequence of trying to find the fit is it is draining the little life left on my energy meter and knocking me down into the goodl ol’ shame spiral quicker than I would like. I’ll spend the weekend tapping the A button, trying to stand back up again.

No comments:

Post a Comment