Friday, March 1, 2013

Happy first day of March

What a week of change!  Farewell happy hour at work to say goodbye to those who have become a part of my life who are still with my company and who have left the company before me.  One of my closest friends had her beautiful twin baby boys are are miracles all on their own.  The building next to my office is being torn down. Ok, who cares about that building? No one, really. But i’ve been watching it slowly be de-constructed to prepare to be rebuilt as I have been de-constructing myself and rebuilding - the same destiny of my brick neighbor!

All that I can say is “whew”. Cue deep breathe.  Throughout all of this transition, I’ve noticed 2 important things: #1:  I have a lot of anxiety. Ok, not a shocker. But I have it ALL of the time. Not just because of change jobs or babies being born, but as a steady current in my life derived from a lack of feeling safe as a child that has stayed with me my whole life....intensified during the divorce...until now. Now the anxiety is unnecessary. I’m starting to feel safe all on my own. Which leads to #2: I don’t really feel the “need to date”. Before I registered being alone as being unlovable. But as I switched my goal from being perceived a lovable by others to purely loving myself, I have also noticed the need to date fade. Sure, I still want someone to take me out and say nice things. But lately a date with myself (gym, yoga, and a good episode of Scandal) is equally filling.

Do you know what these two changes mean? I’m ok!  This is probably the best place I’ve been in since the divorce. Although the “ok” feeling is foreign and a little unsure, I am very sure this is another step toward becoming Wonder Woman.

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