Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The end of an era - part 2: the courage to change

I’m sitting at my desk with approximately 5 working hours left at a job that feels like it has become a part of me. I’m scared to leave. Scared to shut a door that will not open again tomorrow. I haven’t even deleted my files because it is permanent (while they may say nothing is permanent in an ever-changing world, I’m fairly sure emptying the computer’s recycle bin is).  Even now, I am thinking - why isn’t the phone ringing with an offer to stay? Why didn’t they ask me to stay? But I know the truth: it is time to move on. And any offer made would only make doing that more difficult.  

Difficult is a great word, change is difficult. It is exciting year scary at the same time (because exciting/scary, hope/fear, expectation/disappointment are all two sides of the same coin. They can’t exist without the other, making things...well, difficult!)  I give myself a very big pat on the back - for recognizing what I need to be true to myself. I need more challenge, more stimulation, I need to grow. I’m made a tough decision to take a risk, knowing there are no guarantees of what to come, but sure that what exists in the present is no longer enough.

I sat next to Grace this morning as she was drinking her morning milk & watching her beloved Big Bird and said “Today is Mommy’s last day at her job. She is leaving to start something new that will help her grow, because growing is important.” I am trying to be a role-model that she will be able to look to when she is faced with tough decisions as she grows.

So much change over the last few years, none of it wanted. And here I am creating change for myself.  Wow, that takes some strength!

So I will sit here, for the next 5 hours, staring at my still-full recycle bin, working up the nerve to finally hit the delete button.

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