Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Healer

As I left work yesterday and walked to my car, I thought about how I had not yet cried during this process, from submitting my resignation to saying goodbye to my colleagues (tears started to well up but I fought them back). I got in my car, backed out of the spot, and instantly burst into tears! It felt like I just cut off my right arm (or left, as it may be).  I just cut ties to so many people I care about at a time when I frequently feel disconnected!  What had I done?  In a dead panic, I raced home and started packing Grace & my bags to go home and visit my parents. I did not want to be alone for one moment.  As things go, it didn’t work out that way. By the time I packed everything, I had calmed down a bit and finally spoke with my mother who said “where would you be most comfortable during the snow storm with Grace?” and I responded “at my house”. Although I had a very strong urge to run home to not be alone, something inside of me was telling me that the right thing to do was stay, live out my day and a half of “me time” and head home Thursday as planned.

Wow, it is amazing what happens when you don’t listen to your mind & its anxious thoughts or your heart & its strong emotions but instead listen to your soul, to who you really are.  It leads you down the right path every time.

I woke up this morning to spend cuddle time with my daughter & dog, all smushed together on my pillow, which filled up my heart. After dropping her at daycare I went to the gym to do cardio while reading a good book - a happy body and mind. Then I went to the spa to get a facial and a massage (yes, I take “me” time very seriously).  This is where it gets good...the woman who gave the massage was a real healer. Not just of my aching back, but of my heart. Telling me about the courage it took her to leave her husband when she was a mother of four children. The ten years it took her to heal until she was fully ready to meet someone new. And the lovely story of how she met her now husband as he watched her all night across the room and waited for her so they could properly meet.

The Healer talked to me about allowing someone to nurture me (what she was doing at that very moment) and the need to give back to myself so I can give to Grace without constantly running on empty.  She said that I am “still forming”. What a great phrase. Not quite ready to be on the same page as someone else (in a relationship) because I’m still forming which page I am on.  And she said that once I was ready, she knew I would meet a healthy, wonderful man who would nurture me.  At the end, she concluded with a story of how she would walk down the street and see desirable men and think “they wouldn’t want me, I’m this age and I have four children” and she learned to change her story to say “I deserve love.”  It is as if this woman has known me my whole life and knew exactly what needed to be said.  A true gift.

I am finding that the more I let thoughts be thoughts and feelings be feelings and listen to my true self/soul, I choose the right path and amazing things unfold.

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