“I will be the person she can learn from.”

Each evening when the weather is good, Grace and I eat dinner on the deck. And each evening we greet the birds who eagerly perch on the ledge near us.  Grace thinks they have come to say hi, but I know that their nest full of babies sits in the large bush behind us and they are merely staking out their turf to ensure that no one messes with their babies.

I’m waiting for the magical moment when it gets easier to say goodbye to my child when she goes to her dad.  Apparently, for those birds, that time does not come when your child is still a baby who is defenseless and dependent on you to sustain them.

Two days ago her father was leaving my house and Grace said, “I coming with Daddy” and tried to leave with him. I was crushed. I slowly left the room and hid my tears that came pouring out when I reached the safety of a bedroom.  Why does she want to go with HIM? The one who destroyed her family? Who put his desires before her well-being?  My heart broke into a thousand pieces knowing he gets the invaluable gift of her love and affection without having done anything to earn it.  Who twisted her body inside and out to get pregnant? Who watched the baby while he lied to work saying he was spending time with his newborn daughter but was really visiting his girlfriend? Who got up with Grace every waking night of her infancy while he was off “living the life of a 25 year old” as he so desired?

He came to pick her up this morning to take her to visit his family for a long weekend. While I recognize that it is good that she spends time with that side of her family, having someone take your child away from you for three days feels unnatural and a bit sickening.  Those birds get a fierce look in their eye anytime you walk near their sacred nest and I had the same look this morning. How dare he take her away from me. He’s taken time with her away from me since she was 10 weeks when he decided everything was about him and carelessly created havoc and wrecked in the life that I had worked so hard to build, Leaving the rest of to pay the high price of the consequences. For this reason, I have nicknamed him HWB (Human Wrecking Ball).

After Grace pulled away in her father’s car and I gave the one last happy mommy face and waved goodbye, I closed the the front door and melted down. How can things be so unfair? How can life be so cruel?

So when is that magic moment where things become ok?  I don’t know. But I do know that I need to let go. Let go of the resentment that he is a weak human being whose foundation was never fully formed.  Let go of the resentment that I have endured suffering more than I thought I could ever withstand.  Let go of the resentment that life did not turn out as I had hoped. Let go of the resentment that I feel pain on a daily basis that was not there before.  Let go of the resentment that the tsunami of our divorce left me less of a parent that I had planned to be.  I need to let go. For me, for my health, and most of all, for Grace.  Because the importance of Grace having a loving father in her life far outweighs the resentment I am holding so tightly on to (see Monday’s post about left side pain!).

It is with this recognition that I am focused on providing Grace a healthy, happy environment which means encouraging her relationship with her father and at least acting happy when she leaves to go with him so that she knows mommy is happy that Grace is leaving for a weekend of fun.  I am using that focus to push down the strong urge I have to tell my ex off. I want to scream and yell and remind him of his awful deeds. Inform him, again, that the consequences of such did not just disappear because a bit of time has gone by.  But I won’t. Because it won’t help Grace.  The only thing that will help is if I foster her father-daughter relationship. And one day, if he should cause her pain, I will be there to provide unbiased perspective so that she doesn’t internalize his actions as a reflection of herself but instead recognizes him as a flawed human being, but one that loves her. She will learn from me.  So I will to be the person she can learn from.