Tuesday, November 13, 2012

911 chocolate chip cookie emergency

Last night The Runner said that he still feels like he is in a pressure cooker. He doesn’t feel he is emotionally steady enough to provide the support I need. He doesn’t fit into my lifestyle or family.  I listened and said “ok” to each, realizing that my gut has been right all along, he is looking at this through the perception of fear. And only he can change that.  I tried to cut the conversation short and wish him best of luck but he insisted that we talk.

So I informed him that his push/pull hot/cold was very hurtful and that is how people act in high school. All that had to be done was to have open communication and work together to make the situation with Grace comfortable for him. To spend time building a relationship with her, and likewise with me.  He said 2 weeks ago that he wanted to try, and I told him last night that he didn’t follow through. He didn’t do the work. I was out of town all last week - nothing was going to change. But he didn’t do the work.

He didn’t want to hang out, he didn’t want to let me go. Apparently he thought this would be a conversation, not a decision.  I told him that I also have a say in this. And that I have given him everything I have for it being early in a relationship. I got all in and give what I have, I don’t do half.  But instead of opening up and communicating and working together, he held back and left me guessing. Left me guessing each day if he even really liked me. It was so hurtful.  I was so hurt. And I do not want to be with someone who runs hot & cold in order to “make it so I wouldn’t like him as much so I wouldn’t be as hurt if it didn’t work” and I do not want to be with someone who can’t go all in (read: all in in terms of appropriate for that point in a relationship. Not declaring undying love but making the other person feel wanted, special, and doing the work to build the relationship and move to the next step up, and on and on).

I said “take care, good night” and he said “don’t say that, don’t say ‘take care’”, I don’t want you to go”. He wanted me to help change his misperceptions that he has about dating someone with a child. I told him only he can change his perception. From where I sit, it would be easy to bring him into the fold of my life, of Grace’s life, over time and naturally. And from my view, he is being handed a plate of gold. The opportunity to be a part of Grace’s life, as spectacular as she is. And the opportunity to be a part of Wonder Woman’s life.  But instead of thinking he’s the luckies guy ever, he looks at it in fear. I can’t change that, only he can.

He waffled throughout the conversation, saying he doesn’t want to do kid stuff but the telling me his looked over and over our pictures on facebook and feels he is so far behind and has so much to catch up on to develop that kind of relationship with Grace.  I told him that he won’t develop that relationship, that is MY relationship with her. There is no catch-up, you just get to know someone, showing them love and support. It’s easy.

He asked if we could talk today and it was so late that I said ok. But I am inclined to text him and ask that he write to me whatever he wants to say. Because the truth is, I can’t do the work for him. I’ve given him all of the information that I have from my perception of what reality is. But he is so set in looking at this in black and white and waiting for a click that he is missing out on the chance to live in the gray - where life is really lived. So I’d rather he just write to me. So he can assemble his thoughts, and I can move on. I have nothing more to say to him, I don’t want to make him feel better because he really hurt me and was unfair.  I don’t want to convince him that this has potential and is worth pursuing because he needs to come to this on his own. I can only hope that at some point, he will realized he threw away the best thing that came into his life because he was too scared to open his mind and heart and live in the uncertain.

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