Monday, November 12, 2012

London Calling

I was in London last week for work. Aside from productive work meetings, I had a milestone experience: I checked something off of my life long to-do list (otherwise known as a bucket list but that term creeps me out). Is that suspense killing you yet?  I did the lift from Dirty Dancing in the middle of a restaurant, received by applause and cheer from the restaurant patrons!  It was fantastic!

I felt uninhibited, confident, and completely carefree!  It was fantastic.  Little Buddha told me that I will find as I feel better that “better” will feel much better than it was before. That the strength and confidence acquired from the last two years have created a foundation that I didn’t have before. One that will not shake as easily and will provide a base from which to soak in all of the happiness, joy, and contentment that life has to offer.  My first glimpse at my new “foundation” was eye-opening and breathe-taking.  I didn’t know where the courage was coming from or why I wasn’t shying away and being insecure. And I didn’t care!  

Upon returning to the states with a renewed sense of confidence (and jet lag), I hung out with The Runner.  Hanging out with nice. I am still questioning once a day how into me he really is.  And once a day he comes through and is “there”. With a call, reassuring text or in person.  One thing I realized with the time difference and traveling is that I panick very early when I don’t hear from him.  Only to have him come through every time.  This has opened a mental debate if “being there” is the way that I know he’s really into me. It still isn’t back to what it was when we first meant, where he was constantly affectionate and reassuring. But it is getting better. He’s warming up from his month-long chill when he freaked out about the child thing.

Now that he’s thawing out, I’m wondering if he is still holding back or if this is all he wants from a relationship, avoiding the full responsibility of being “all in”. I suspect the former. Holding back slightly less, but still holding back. I know that he is capable of really being all in. But he’s not there yet with me. And as a result, I’m holding back with him.  Patiently waiting until he gets more comfortable and comes to things on his own time.

I’m living with uncertainty. But for today, at least, it is bearable. A pretty good upgrade from this time 2 weeks ago.

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