Tuesday, November 27, 2012

All I want for Christmas is...peace of mind

Thanksgiving was my first holiday where I did not have Grace with me. I knew it would be hard but I was not prepared for the wave of emotion that hit the minute her tiny little feet stepped out of my front door.  I collapsed crying, somehow making it back to my bed where I called my mom and threatened to remain for the rest of the day. Between sobbing to my mom and sending mean texts to my Ex (such as: Why am I being punished when I didn’t do anything in the first place? 2 years ago to date you informed me you wanted to move out in January and no longer live with your wife and kid and this year you take her from me? WTF!).  My mom calmly reminded me that this was not about my needs but about Grace's - to bond with her family on a holiday and begin making those fond memories that all children have from both sides of the family. That was followed by a call from my Ex offering to bring Grace home that same day or else early the next. And while I appreciated his offer, I told him that would only be in my best interest, not in hers, and that I need to keep her first, therefore she needed to go for the holiday to see his family.

What a jolt. I was knocked sideways.  I finally started to recover by spending the next 2 days in a flurry of every kind of holiday preparation imaginable, picturing the delight on Grace’s face as she experienced each holiday item carefully laid out for her.

Fast forward to this week when I find out I have to have the front of my house redone because it wasn’t done right to start with (60 years ago). 
And I bought all of Grace’s shoes a size too small, not realizing her feet grew. 
And I’m scared I’m overspending on the holidays because I don’t have a lot of job security right now. 

I’m stressed right and left. And without someone to share it with, someone to ease the mental burden and provide a little perspective, I found myself wondering through the mall in tears. Overwhelmed by the emotion, the burden, the pressure of it all.

In the last week, I have decided that Single Mom has to be the worst job. No one proactively applies for it. And those of us who get the position are terrified that we may not be able to make the cut.  Something is always slipping. My kid isn’t having the depth or breadth of experiences of others. So much guilt and pressure.

I wish I could end this post on a better note but at the moment, I don’t have one. Not only is the bitterness of being a single mom hitting hardcore, but it is making it diffuclt to reach out to friends because it feels like you are on an island that no one can reach, much less relate to (apologies to those of you reading this).  When I did reach out to my 2 other single mom friends, their response was “yeah, it sucks”.  None of us having the first inkling of how to relieve the pressure.

Well...at least I decorated my island with Christmas lights. And cookies. And color coordinated wrapped presents.  

Dear Santa, please bring me peace of mind this year.
Diana Prince

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