Monday, November 19, 2012

Ready...or Not.

After much thought over the weekend I realized that the ‘limbo’ situation with The Runner is causing me a lot of anxiety. The uncertainty if it will work out. The uncertainty if he’ll be there the next day or if that will be the day it is too much and he bails.

So following a very sulky day (being a single mom sucks, I’m very lonely, everyone else is moving forward with their lives except me)....The Runner came over last night and I proceeded to be pretty aloof because I was so annoyed all of the hurt and anxiety I’ve been feeling as a result of his unsureness.

After taking a sick day from work due to lack of sleep, quality food and complete mental and emotional exhaustion, we started to talk about what is really going on. He said he doesn’t know if he’s ready to fall in love. He doubts his own instincts and heart because he was messed over so badly last time around. That he’s scared if he gets attached to a family and then it doesn’t work out that he’s letting the family down and that is a lot of responsibility.  i.e. the ‘if you are in it, you are in it for good’ outlook. Which is an awfully hard decision to make 3 months into it.

At the same time, it’s not fair to me to keep waiting around to see what he feels.  It isn’t that he’s saying “please stick around because I will be ready”.  He’s saying “please stick around and I hope that I’ll be ready, but I may not be. This may not be for me.” How is it fair to me to invest more time and even more of my heart that I already have, placing it all on a bet rather than a sure thing?

I tried to end it today. I even said those two magical relationship-ending words again, “take care”. But he didn’t leave. He just kept staying. He wasn’t getting the hint. He said he didn’t want it to end this way. So through my tears I challenged back - then tell me how else this can move forward? Tell me how this could work? And he said we need to communicate more and cited an example of something over the weekend that hurt my feelings and had I told him upfront he could have cleared it up because it was a misconception whereas I was walking around hurt.  And of course communication sounds good, but how does that make him any more ready?

I was supposed to have lunch with two very good, very old friends today. I missed lunch because the pseudo breakup discussion with my pseudo-not-really-boyfriend continued through lunch time.  They were meeting to catch up on kids and husbands and families. And I was at home, crying over a boy who isn’t even ready to be my boyfriend.

It just seems like this is what life is like now.  Stuck in a permanent Ground Hogs day of being 23.  Everyone grew up and got married. But the reset button was hit on my life so I have the emotional stability and relationship support of a 23 year old and the responsibilities of a 40 year old. And yes, being a single mom sucks (as I mentioned above). I’m drained. Tapped out. I don’t have the energy to put into The Runner. I’m drowning in guilt from not having the energy to put into my daugther. It is so hard to give and give when there is nothing coming in.

So where do I go from here?  Right now, I’m not sure.

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