Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A shift in perspective

As I went home from work feeling rather crappy yesterday, it occurred to me that the things that I have wanted and/or been working toward are happening.  

What I’ve been telling myself...What is really happening...
I may lose my jobMy job function is such that job security is as good as it is going to be right now.
I’m spending too much.I’m taking steps to save more and realize December is pretty much a wash each year.
The Runner isn’t making me feel special.The Runner hung out with Grace and I on Sunday and he was really great with Grace. He came over early and made an effort to adapt to the whole kid thing. He has sent cute texts and called/talked for an hour last night.
I’m not being as good of a mother that I want to be.Grace couldn’t be happier and I am adding new things into our mix to help her grow and experience more.
My house sucks.My house is safe and affordable.
Being a single mom is really hard.Being a single mom IS really hard, but I will keep working to find a balance and focus on the things that are going well.
The holidays are really hard - like salt in a wound constantly reminding me of lost dreams.Last year I didn’t even decorate for Christmas. I did the bare minimum so Grace would enjoy the holiday and that was it. This year I put out lights, got a tree early, decorated the house, baked cookies and have Christmas outings planned with good friends.  So even though I may not be able to feel the warmth of the Christmas spirit yet, I’m definitely steps ahead of where I was last year.

As you can see, there are two sides to every coin. I don’t know if it is the holidays or going off of Lexapro that I was given back in March when the depression hit full force, but I am processing everything as negative. Forming negative pathways in my brain instead of forging new positive pathways.

Perhaps I asked Santa for the wrong thing, not peace of mind, but a shift in perspective. Because I already have peace of mind, I’m just not recognizing that it is there!

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