Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Break Up, Day 2

He’s gone. All I can think is that he’s gone and he’s not coming back for me. He isn’t coming after me.

He called last night and left a message saying he’d like to know what I’m feeling and to call if I want to talk to him. I missed the call. I did email him this morning though. I told him everything I’m feeling and everything I don’t understand.  But it won’t change anything, because he’s gone and not coming back for me.

I know he’s sad too but it’s hard for me to understand that instead of stepping up and dealing with this head on, he’s going to end something that could have been good because he’s scared.  And what he’s scared of - family - is something that is wonderful, something that is all good.

I’m pretty sure that he wanted to talk last night because he wants me to talk ‘sense’ into him and make this ok for him - but that is his work to do. I can’t do the work for him.  I ended my email with “I trusted you, I showed you my vulnerabilities. I cared for you and gave you everything I could, even overcoming my own fears of insecurity and abandonment. But you didn't open up to me in the same way. Never really letting me in. Trusting that I wasn't going to hurt you or leave you, but that I was there to comfort and support you.  I can't be the one constantly giving and only receiving half back in return. I want to spend my time with someone who is an equal in building together.  I had hoped that would be you. So as I said, I'm disappointed and hurt. I guess I could have tried to smooth it all over but then we’d be back in the same pattern of him holding back because of fear and the only way this would work is if he does the work too.

Why isn’t he coming after me? How can slowly becoming a part of Grace and my life be so scary?  I can’t believe he’s gone.

Thankfully I had some cookies last night.  More are needed.

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