Monday, November 19, 2012

Hey Jude, make it better

Part of the reason I was so on edge yesterday is that I was feeling very alone. The full weight of being a very single parent of a very active two-year-old.  I wanted to take Grace to the nature center to go walking through the woods. I invited The Runner but he had other stuff going on. I invited 2 other friends and they did not answer or return my call, so we went on our walk through the woods. It felt great to get some fresh air with Grace but it also felt empty. Even now I still feel like I’m on an island. The Ground Hog’s day phenomena mentioned below being part of what keeps me separate from everyone else.

So I sulked all day (as mentioned below). Feeling the whole emptiness of being alone.  Feeling completely hollow inside. Knowing that I have only two choices 1) drown in this feeling or 2) come up with a plan and make it better (Hey Jude, make it better!).  So I am choosing number 2. Except in this case, rather than a tangible plan that I can execute with my customary persistence, I need to embrace being alone.  Not to register it as lonely but to register it as living my life. Find the fullness in my life as it is.

Part of why I am so upset about The Runner is that I do want a relationship. To help fill that void I feel of being alone. But that isn’t his responsiblity to fill. Or anyone else. It is on me.

I don’t know exactly how yet. I focus on Grace but sometimes it is exhausting try to engage with a 2 year old who either doesn’t want to engage with you or frequently engages in the opposite way that you’d like!  But my perspective needs a wake up call that being alone does not mean being on an island.

The reason I know I’m not really on an island: both friends got in touch later saying they would love to go on the walk but missed the call when it came in and got the message too late. They would have walked with us. We weren’t walking alone after all.

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