Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Lessons from Single Mom Lifeclass: Judgement

As I spent the weekend in bed sick, I also had a chance to watch the Single Mom Lifeclass that Oprah hosted.  The following blog posts are notes and my thoughts from the discussion.

was moved to tears just seeing an audience filled with all single moms. And when the first question was asked - what is your number one concern - all of the mom’s answered the same - judgement - it hit right to my core.

I feel judged all of the time - the most when I’m at “married people” events such as baby showers, house parties, dinners - where it is all married couples and me. I think they look at me like an alien who has come down and may contain a contagious disease that would result in their banishment to my isolated planet.  I also feel judged in the grocery store, in the mall, at restaurants, pretty much anywhere that someone sees my daughter and no wedding ring on my finger.

Iyanla Vanzant, one of the hosts, stated loud and clear that if you are feeling judged, it is because you are judging yourself. 99% of what we experience starts with what we perceive in our own minds.  And it is true - I’m judging myself. For picking the wrong partner. For not having the foresight to pick a stronger, grounded father who has integrity as a co-parent to my daughter. For saddling her with a man who will surely hurt her unless he does a lot of work himself.  How could I be so blind? So needy? So stupid as to allow him into my life - and then have a child with him?  Those are my judgements. So I assume the rest of the world is judging me too - for not picking a happy healthy relationship like those we all see on Facebook!

Iyanla said a prayer which I believe we should all say to ourselves twice a day, just for being human, single mom or not: "I forgive myself for judging myself as less than. I forgive myself for judging that I'm not doing it right." She added, “If God will allow it, you must accept it.”

I have not yet forgiven myself. I know there was nothing I could do to have changed what happened. But I haven’t forgiven myself….yet...and it’s about time I did!

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