How to Break A Spiral

I’m #tbt (throwback thursday-ing) to a post from September last year about how to break a spiral. To be honest, when I re-read this I thought someone else wrote it until I realized these were my insights from breaking out of a rut. And once again I’m using the same recipe to lighten up.  So I thought re-posting would be worth-while - at least for me - hopefully for you too!

Does this happen to everyone? Where your head spirals down and takes your heart with it?

I spent most of the vacation in tears. I don’t know if it was a natural reaction being around a family that had its fair share, if it was wishing I had a partner to enjoy the vacation with, or if it happen to be the only time all of the stress and toxicity from work combined with the loneliness and isolation to manifest a nuclear meltdown.  Either way, I spiraled.

I hate the feeling. I fight it tooth and nail. I beat myself up for being so self-indulgent that I would feel bad about my life when others have so many more challenges (nothing makes you feel worse than when you want to be validated but instead someone compares you to someone else who has it worse so you feel guilt instead of relief that understanding can so easily bring!)

At this point in my life, I am intimately familiar with the spiral. It happens more than I’d like to admit. So I’ve spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out the magic key to breaking the spiral.

Here is my recipe (continually refined until is a recipe for preventing the spiral at the onset):

Goal: Gain perspective

Ingredient #1: Gratitude. Gratitude is needed to gain perspective. It is needed to see all of the points of light shining through the dark.  What isn’t there, isn’t there - it’s not going to change by brooding.  What is there is something to be noticed and acknowledge, because what is there is frequently so much more than we realize.

Ingredient #2:  Rest. Exhaustion opens the gate to spiral. When I’m well rested and buzzing along, perspective stays intact. But exhaustion will wipe out perspective faster than my dog can wipe out a plate of leftovers (lightening speed!).

Ingredient #3: Healthy food. This is exactly when I want to sit in bed and eat sweets all day. Which only help to fog up the mind and weigh down the belly. Some form protein along with healthy stuff helps to clear the head and make room for the gratitude and perspective.

Ingredient #4: Levity. Frequently this can come in the form of music, or even better dancing until your insides are properly shaken up!  

What do you do to break a spiral? Please add to the recipe!

Tinder Date #7: The StartUp Geek & The Conclusion of the Roofer

Tinder Date #7

Last week I went out on Tinder Date #7 with a guy who runs a startup company in the city. He was tall, handsome, had one tattoo on his arm & he does triathlons. What’s not to like?  We had a good conversation about this work (which relates to what I used to do so I can geek out on that topic all day), but there was no flirting and not many laughs. I could feel that I had a wall up that was a mile high, and for his part, he wasn’t giving off any fun date vibes or making much of an effort to ask aobut me.  We both said we had a good time & texted for a few days after but there was no ask for a second date and I couldn’t convert my mile-high wall into a welcoming vibe, much less flirty.  And to be fair, he didn’t really crack any jokes and only mildly laughed at mine - which is a huge red flag because everyone knows I’m very funny :)

The Roofer

The Roofer has been sending mixed signals for the last few weeks. While I said in my previous blog post about The Roofer that I was done with him & his mixed signals (I also said I was done with Tinder) - apparently I was wrong on all 3 accounts.  (Though for Tinder, as I said before, I’m being much more selective about who I meet in person and only agreeing if the guy puts in the effort).  So anyway, The Roofer sent a few texts saying how he wants to go out again soon but he’s really busy right now. Then nothing for days on end. He said some complimentary things and “Sorry I’ve been unavailable” and then nothing for days on end. No explanation. I assume it is from his work, which he said was a record-breaking busy month, but he could be at the beach every weekend, could be on dates every weekend, could have a sick mother, house could have been swallowed in a sink hole - I really don’t know because he didn’t keep up communication during his busy time.

So I’ve rewritten his last text in my head to say “Sorry I am unavailable” - because regardless of what he occupying his time, he is unavailable and I want to spend my energy pining over someone who is (or no one at all), but I’m not wasting it waiting around for him.

"I am Love"

I’ve been doing the Oprah - Deepok Chopra 21 day meditation experience.  Each day Oprah gives a few thoughts on the day’s topic and then Deepok Chopra does a deeper dive before giving you a centering through and mantra on which to meditate.

On Friday, I hit a turning point. I was feeling awful, about all of the bad decisions I’d made with boys over the last few weeks, about feeling so alone even three years after the divorce, just unworthy in general.  My Mom came over and told me that she never worries about me hitting bottom because she knows that my core is based in love. So there is no rock bottom. I will always come back to my core, which is love.

After we talked, we did the Oprah-Deepok Chopra meditation for the day (it was technically Day 4 because I’m a day behind).  Oprah discussed how we spend our time looking for love outside of ourselves. Deepok went on to explain that we already are love. We are all connected from the source and we are love. We can radiate that out to others. We don’t need to seek it out in others.  The centering thought was “I am love” and as I repeated this silently to myself for 10+ mins, my heart began to lighten and I could full love and light streaming out.

Since then I’ve started to feel lighter and lighter. Remembering that even as loneliness touches me (like on a Sunday night), I am love, I do not need to seek it elsewhere to see it.  In the next meditation I focused on sending that love to all of my loved ones, hoping that maybe they would feel like a little more lightness in their day as the love that I sent comes to them.

Confusing Charisma for Substance

I’m attracted to charismatic guys. Who isn’t? They are all charming & full of wit and energy. Who wouldn’t want to be around that? But I’ve recently realized that charisma does not equal substance. And what I need is substance. I can’t date ‘average’. It’s just not for me. I get bored and my mind wanders and frequently I find myself wishing I was at home or doing something else..anything else but sitting across from someone who has fallen far short of capturing my attention.

The charismatic guy always captures my attention. I’m instantly drawn in. But after a short time, the charismatic guy who lacks substance is usually revealed to be as average as the others. Without substance to back it, they are still two dimensional. Substance is what adds dimension and what will hold attention over time.

“I see you making sure no one can see you yet and there must be a darn good reason for that.”

Upon reading Monday’s blog post, Little Buddha sent this note:

“I don’t see anyone rejecting you.  I see you making sure no one can see you yet and there must be a darn good reason for that.  You are an exceptional person, you have the ability to see more than I think you even know.  Even though if feels like you are unloved, I think, in this incredible way, you know none of them are worth inviting in quite yet.

This house you are building, it’s just not finished yet and why have some stranger come in and take over renovations when they have done none of the work to get it where it’s at now?  When you are done is when you will be open to visitors and only then will you be ok sharing in what you’ve built.”

She brings up an interesting point, I am not letting anyone really see me.  And she’s right that the house is not yet finished.

So that brings up the question - to date or not to date while you are working on yourself?  I took a break for a couple days from online dating but I gave in and went right back out there and have another date lined up this week (Plan A was to take off for at least a month).  However, I decided this time will be on my terms - no more saying yes because I think it is the right thing to do. There has to be a reason that I WANT to meet the guy. Nice and average is not a reason. Substance and interest is.

The catch 22 remains though - Do I stop dating while I build the rest of the proverbial house? Yet I’m too scared to stop dating because it feels like I’m not moving forward.

I’ve read tons of articles about people who stopped dating and focused on finding themselves, only to have true love arrive at the end (my fav is this one published on Tiny Buddha, “Love Shows Up When You Do”).  However, it is fair to say working on myself is an ongoing process, not something I pause to do. My life is neither empty nor incomplete. In fact it feels fuller than ever after the last 3 years of being on my own.

Can you date and build your house at the same time?  Can you focus on yourself while learning from others along the way?  Is dating merely the nails that helps to put things in place in your house until you are ready for a true visitor?

So my answer is this: Live fully. Learn as you go. Maybe a companion will come along when the time is right.

“You cannot keep letting these guys and your past ruin you”

For weeks, probably about 2 months now, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and haven’t been able to put my finger on what was causing it - so I’ve done whatever I could to escape the feeling. Finally over the weekend, I realized what was underlying -- I’ve been divorced for over 3 years now and I’m still single. I feel like a reject. Like my husband rejected me, followed by a long line of guys since (although I know that isn’t quite true because I turned down more than half).  I have this overwhelming feeling that my friends are getting married, having babies and having more babies - and I’m standing still while everyone else moves forward without me.  I feel bad for Grace because she has a mom who is rejected and broken rather than the mother she deserves. Sometimes I wonder if she can tell how broken I feel inside.  This has been my inner voice for the last couple of months. This is why I’ve been so fixated on the last few guys - because I thought if someone would just like me then my life would move forward and I wouldn’t be a reject anymore.  It is total fear. The fear of unlovable is so strong that it creeped in when I wasn’t looking and slowly took over my thinking.

I know I need to change my story: that my husband was broken and couldn’t be in a relationship. I didn’t deserve how he treated me the whole time & I never deserved to be 2nd in his life.  He left because he was too broken to know how to stay.  And that long line of guys just weren’t a fit. And I learn each time and try to make better decisions, even if sometimes I slip. And Grace is lucky to have a really strong person as a mother. Super hero strong. I NEED to keep telling myself these things and to be extra compassionate while I’m hurting and feeling vulnerable.

I shared this with my single-mom friend this weekend and among her empathy and wisdom she also said, “You cannot keep letting these guys and your past ruin you.”  She’s right. The story has to change. The fear of being unlovable is strong but the power of the love that surround you (or me) is stronger.

I am Nancy Botwin.

I’ve caught on to the craze of Weeds, albeit many years too late. Luckily Netflix has all of the season ready to plan at my whim. As I’ve watched Nancy Botwin make shapr decisions with a dash of well-meaning but bad decisions, I started to identify her.

Here is a women who did not expect to end up in this situation - a widow, now single mom with two boys. Though her decision to sell drugs may fall on morally questionable ground at best, she attempts to take control of an out-of-control situation and make something better happen.

I’m only on Season 3, so please no spoilers - but so far she follows a pattern that she is trying to control what she can in an out-of-control life. But due to things outside of her control, and some decisions that she brought on herself, things spin even more wildly out of control and when she starts to get overwhelmed, she acts out. She does crazy stuff that leaves you wondering “Why are you doing that girl? you are better than that!” Isn’t that exactly what my friends and I have been asking of myself lately?

I am sure my friends are tiring of the endless barrage of texts that fly faster than my brain can process a logical thought. I’ve been running on almost pure emotion fueled by fading dreams, lofty ideals and Black Box Pinot Grigio.  I admire my friends for their kindness and support as I attempt to bring what was an out of control situation under control, but I can only imagine what goes through their minds when I start to get overwhelmed, feeling the restrictions on my life tighten and suffocate, and I act out - to break the pain, to feel some sense of control - even if the action actually causes more chaos and will inevitably result in a sense of lost control again (both for me and for my gal, Nancy!).  In the moment, acting out feels like freedom. You can see it in Nancy when she got the U Turn tattoo - she was acting out to be breaking free of her life’s restrictions for that one moment.

I want to thank my amazing friends for being by my side. I would apologize for the emotional rollercoaster that I jump on and off of, but the truth is, until you’ve walked in my shoes, you don’t know who you would be. I still don’t know who I am.  Just like Nancy’s husband’s death changed her, my husband’s affair and destruction of our family changed me. Maybe I’m still muddy on who is underneath but I have a pretty good idea of who is there - and she’s pretty freaking badass.

Getting Back on My Path (and Why It’s Important to Shower Before a Date)

I had one last online date scheduled from a guy who I emailed with for way too long.  After he informed me he would be coming straight from soccer practice and wanted to meet somewhere casual and outdoors, I informed him I was worth showering for and called it off.  I mean really, if you can’t shower for the first date, what does that mean for future efforts?

So I put stinky soccer coach, along with the roofer and my Tinder profile on a shelf and have been trying to spend time being alone with myself. Boy, being alone after such a run of guy craziness is an adjustment. I can feel my mind squirm at the new-found space it has that is not occupied by trying to reply to someone, trying to set up a date, or trying to interpret what a text means!  

I love Pema Chodron’s weekly email quote this week:

OUR TRUE NATURE

Our true nature is like a precious jewel: although it may be temporarily buried in mud, it remains completely brilliant and unaffected. We simply have to uncover it.

I may have walking through the mud and the weeds, buried in a muck of anxiety but that doesn’t change who I am - and I’m happy to be back on the path to uncovering that!

"Why don’t you just be your fabulous self for a while and forget about the rest?"

My anxiety is back up at a high. The constant dates and energy output to try to meet someone has taken a toll and it’s time, once again, to take a break and declare a month of me.  I’ve already started with either running or meditating every date, but even that isn’t enough to break this tidal wave of anxiety that has set in.

I was really hoping all of this effort would have yielded someone with potential to go further. I was even sure that it would. So I’m disappointed, down, and once again left with the fear that alone may be my always and final facebook status.

Knowing that I’m in need of rejuvenation and grounding, I recognize it is time to take a break again and reinstitute the infamous (and consistently effective) “Month of Me”

I was reading an article in Vogue this month about a failed whirlwind romance that resulted in an unexpected friendship. The end of the article says, “You must hold out for the right now, and make sure that the life you’re living in the meantime is a full one.”

I haven’t been ‘holding out for hugs’, I’ve been getting swept up by anyone who peeks my interested because so few have. It’s time I put energy back into my life and set everything else aside.  A friend at a party this weekend said “You are fabulous. Why don’t you just be your fabulous self for a while and forget about the rest?”

Tinder Date #6 (and Last): The Roofer

9 years ago when I was living with my then to-be-husband, we had to have some roofing work done. When the young, super cute roofing salesman came out, I blushed and readily agreed to his proposal.  I informed my to-be-husband that our roofer was hot and recommended that local friends call him if they ever needed  a roof repair coupled with some hot eye candy. How often is it that a contractor-type that shows up is your age and very good looking?!

Fast forward 9 years, I get married and divorced and I run into someone on Tinder who looks a little familiar. After introducing ourselves and our occupations, I quickly realize this is my hot roofer crush from years ago!  I tell him that we’ve met before and he informs me he’s divorced too and promptly invites me for drinks.  We have an amazing first date, followed by a kiss and an invitation for a second date.

Between the first and second date, he texts almost all day. Saying how happy he is to have met me, closing with ‘night cuties’ before he went to bed. Letting me know if was looking forward to hanging out again.

The second date takes place a few days later and we go go-karting and play games and then land at the local bar for drinks and some shuffleboard. Laughing the entire evening, the connecton is tangible.

I come off of the second date with a high that you only get from that instantaneous connection, assuming it will move forward because of his references to setting my friends up with his, etc.

Unfortunately, immediately following the date started his busiest work week ever, followed by a long weekend vacation.  He dropped of the radar. Texting minimally. Always responding warmly to mine. I tried to give him space to get this stuff done and get out of town. When he left for vacation, I tried to give him space to enjoy his time with friends & family. All the while, receiving minimal texts.  He wasn’t exactly blowing me off, because he was texting things that were unnecessary (like his fav song of the moment or a funny article he read, he even asked what I was up to). But among the texts were no ‘can’t wait to see you again’ much less an ask for a second date.

On saturday night we texted a bit and I dropped off the conversation when it came to a natural conclusion. I figured if he wanted to see me again, he could follow up and text me. But nothing came. That damn phone lay there silently, no vibrations, no chirps.

I can surmise many reasons why he went from hot to cold but whatever he is thinking is ultimately unknown and irrelevant. It was really hurtful to have something built up and then drop without a heads up. I understand busy, but you have to throw out a thread to keep the connection going. So as we bid adieu to my 9 year crush, we also bid adieu to Tinder, at least for a while.